If the 80′s were the decade of excess, and the 90′s the “Dot-Com” era, then I hereby declare the 00′s (pronounced “oh-oh’s”, in case you were wondering), the era of stupidity. More specifically, people doing stupid, stupid shit to themselves. Like Botox, for instance. Remember back in the day when botulism was, you know, bad for you? Well, apparently bacteria has had a change of heart over the past 20 years, because now we’re injecting it into our faces to get rid of wrinkles and help us look younger. And by “younger” I mean “creepy.” And by “creepy,” I mean THIS.
For thousands and thousands of years, mankind has sought the mythical fountain of youth, but it looks like we’re ready to settle for the septic tank of youth. There’s gotta be a safer alternative than sticking a needle full of dangerous botulism bacteria into one’s face. Like drinking the blood of a newborn baby. I bet no one’s tried that yet. And the benefits from mass baby draining (genocide is such a harsh word) are twofold: looking younger, and less crying infants on your flight home. And it would probably work, too, because it just sounds cool, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 26.7 years of existence on this planet, it’s that things that sound cool work. Like roofie-ing yourself, which is the preferred method of seduction for the guys in Bang Camaro.:
Another stupid thing that I don’t understand is this whole gastric bypass craze. I always knew fat people were lazy, but now they’re so lazy that they can’t even lose weight themselves? That’s ri-goddamn-diculous, if you ask me. That’s like me complaining that I can’t get laid, so I go and get a vagina surgically attached to the end of my penis (I’ll save you a trip to the Google – Looked into it already, it’s only available in Tijuana).
But just because people are stupid doesn’t mean that I’m above taking advantage of them. Fat people are getting their stomachs rubber-banded down to the size of a golf ball? Great, I’m going to open up a fast food restaurant that serves golf-ball sized cheeseburgers, fried chicken, and chimichangas.
It’ll be a cash cow, not only will I save money on portion size, but because I hold a monopoly on the tiny, circular foodstuffs market, I can charge whatever I want. Ca-ching! Ca-ching. And sure, my business may be deceitful and unscrupulous, but I think even Amanda Kaletsky would agree, it’s not nearly as dishonest as our own government:
Make sure you check out Uncensored Interview this week because we’ve got some really cool shit going on. Like Bang Camaro, who you Guitar Hero freaks are very familiar with, and who are absolutely fucking hilarious and insane. You’ve gotta check them out. And then watch some more random, interesting, and downright weird clips from Amanda Kaletsky, Daedelus, and Daughtry. Just kidding about that last one, we wouldn’t put that shit on our site. We love you guys too much.
–The Shark
TOPICS: Artist Talk