Hey kids, let’s face it, the anticipation and build up to New Year’s Eve is often about 150x better than the actual crappy party you end up watching the ball drop at. You know the drill – drunk by 9pm, depressed by 11:30pm, kissing someone at the stroke of midnight who you recall looking strangely like Jeffrey Tambor from Arrested Development, and then waking up in a puddle of stale beer and wet confetti the next morning. Seriously, is there anything grosser than wet confetti? It’s just always bothered me like moist, chewed gum. We know that more of the same is on probably tap for you this December 31st, so we wanted to give you another, much better option to help ring in 2008 – Come party with your friends at Uncensored Interview, along with some of the hippest NYC music bloggers, and a bunch of people way cooler and with better taste in music than your drunk asshole friends at After The Jump Fest Monday Night at the Knitting Factory on Leonard St. Get your tickets here, and get them soon, because they’re going fast.Here’s the deal, for $30 bucks you get to see 6 amazing up-and-coming bands, like The Dirty Projectors, Senryu, and Care Bears On Fire, so later on when one of them blows up you can be a snob and tell all your friends “Oh, I saw those guys like 6 months ago.” You also get free admission to the After the Jump Fest after party where you can make out with people much more attractive than you’d find at your friend’s house party to ring in 2008, and we promise, no wet confetti. And the best part of all of this is that the money is going to a great and most worthy cause – to benefit music education in New York City.So get your tickets HERE and then come stop by our booth to say hi, and pick up some goodies we’ll have on hand. We’ll see you there.

Ho ho ho, a very merry Christmas (or as our friends up north in Canada like to call it, Tuesday) to all my readers and faithful UI supporters. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, then GET WITH IT! Really, I mean have you seen the quality of gifts that are exchanged? Nintendo Wii’s! Starbucks gift cards! Anal Bleaching Cream If that doesn’t make you want to abandon your silly old beliefs and instantly convert to Christianity, then I don’t know what will. But seriously, happy holidays to all. I’ve been feeling rather festive this week, what with all the parties, gift shopping, decorating, cocaine, and baking I’ve been doing, so rather than one of my usual blogs where I rant about something that bothers me, be it vegetarians (plant genocidal maniacs, as I refer to them), vibrating toothbrushes, or children, I’ve decided to make this entry like a Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy test: positive. I’ve got to admit though, I was kinda bummed when I heard last week that Fidel Castro might be resigning as supreme dictator of Cuba come springtime. Call me crazy, but like a fine cigar, I enjoy a good dictator every now and then. Especially the charismatic ones, like Castro, Hugo Chavez, Mussolini, and of course, George W. Bush. What’s not to love about someone with total, unchecked authoritarian power over millions of poor, helpless, abused citizens? Most people are too dumb to self-rule anyway. They’d probably just squander their country’s money on inane things like abstinence-only education programs, tax breaks for large, greedy corporations, and to fund an illegal war. Another advantage of a dictatorship? Excellent international press. Look at all the countries run by ruthless, resistance demolishing dictators today, and what they’re best known for:

• Cuba – Delicious Cigars
• Venezuela – Nutrient-Rich Oil and Venetian Blinds
• Iran – No Homosexuals

When I think of dictators, one thing comes to mind immediately – fashion trend setters. Where DID you get that stylish hat, Fidel? I must have it. Every single resident of Williamsburg thanks you for your keen eye for fashion. Adolf, nice touch with the red armband over the tan long sleeve blazer. Really ties the outfit together. And kudos on the pink triangles on well. Hugo, you and that red beret go together like cream in a Hostess cupcake. I for one cannot wait to see what you have in store for us in 2008, Mr President. Speaking of 2008, it’s going to be a big, no huge, no, fuck that, GINORMOUS year for Uncensored Interview. If you thought we got some great bands this year, just wait until you see who’s on deck for next year. Plus, tons of cool surprises, more funny (or offensive, depending on your world view) blogs, sex tips for seniors, free ice cream for the kids, and more. And don’t forget to check us out this week, we’ve got a batch of great new clips from bands like Scissors For Lefty Our Christmas Gift to Them: A personal heater for the guy on the end of the couch Hopewell Our Christmas Gift to Them: A frame for Jay so he can proudly display his autographed “2 Girls 1 Cup” lithograph We’ve also got new clips from The Ages of Rockets, Blonde Acid Cult, Louis Logic & JJ Brown, and more. So from all of us over at Uncensored Interview, including myself, the mysterious freelancing Shark, have a Merry Christmas or whatever the hell your odd religion celebrates.

Backline, and Why Do All Of My Bathroom Appliances Fucking Vibrate?? Current mood: crazy In between putting off my final grad school paper, downloading a leaked copy of the new Rivers Cuomo solo record, and watching the NY Giants suck shit on national TV to the pitiful Washington Redskins this weekend, I’ve been on Uncensored Interview all weekend. Mostly trying to hack into the site to change my pay rate, but also to check out some of the new clips that we just put up for your viewing pleasure, like this little ditty from Backline about pot, and um, spirituality, and um… ah who gives a shit, it’s got a fat kid talking about rolling himself down a hill. If that doesn’t make you wanna watch it, I give up: Now how could UI possibly top that, I thought to myself? Surely, that was the cream of the new clip crop, right? WRONG. This band I’d previously never heard of (but now respect with almighty authority) called The Gay Blades came out of left field and basically fellated my ear drums with this diatribe about something near and dear to my heart: complete and utter hatred of the shittiest band in the world not named Bon Jovi, Nickleback. The fact that these guys wore kerchiefs to hide their faces throughout our entire interview with them should tell you something – either they’re still scared of contracting Sars, or some shit’s gonna come of their mouths that’s not too P.C., and might offend a lot of people (although if you’re a regular reader of this blog, chances are, it takes a LOT to offend you). I’m telling you, these guys are a little eccentric even for our site. Just check out this clip of the Gay Blades doing the unspeakable – BREAKING THE 4TH WALL!!! But that’s just a taste, so make sure you check out Uncensored Interview this week for more crazy ass shit, and let us know what you think via comment or V-Sponse. Anyway, on to my normal weekly rant. Since when was it required that all of my bathroom products now vibrate? Was there a town meeting that I missed, where we voted to add a vibrating feature to toothbrushes, razors, back scrubbers, and condoms? Don’t get me wrong, for the first few days I really enjoyed experiencing what it’s like to be Michael J. Fox in the morning, but the daily barrage of nicks, cuts, and bleeding gums got to me after a while. I’ll concede that a vibrating toothbrush was at least a good idea in theory. However, the execution has been shitty. Take a look at my Oral B Pulsar in “action”: Shitty vibrating toothbrush Add to My Profile | More VideosHalf of the fucking bristles don’t even move, they just sit there while the other 3 bristles make a pathetic and downright embarrassing attempt at keeping my teeth clean, which apparently involves flinging gobs of toothpaste onto my shirt, the mirror above the sink, and the rim of my toilet. Great for warding off home invaders who might be allergic to fluoride, not so great for warding off cavities .But no other personal hygene device screams “I don’t need to be vibrating” quite like a Gillette razor. Why? BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING RAZOR!! THAT SHAKES!! How did this pass quality control at Gillette? This had to be an April Fool’s joke that got way out of hand, because no matter how damn hard you try, there is no way anyone, and I mean ANYONE can make a solid argument for why the ultra sharp object you use to delicately remove hair from your body should in any way, shape or form SHAKE! Go ahead, try to formulate one positive advantage that a vibrating razor has over a stationary one. Kids can’t even kill themselves with it because it shakes so goddamn much. And there’s not just one blade on there, there’s FIVE! Five moving blades of death! Their next model might as well just be a spinning pizza cutter with a greased up handle.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m a man who loves meat, and hates children. I know it’s fashionable nowadays to do crazy things like not eat animal flesh and not hit your kids, but I’ve never been one for trends. To me, there’s nothing better than sinking my teeth into a juicy, cheese-dripping, medium-rare cow patty while watching a child be neglected by his own mother in the booth directly across from me. Goddamn is that heaven. I don’t know if it’s the ketchup spread across the toasted bun, or the sweetness of those salty tears of neglect running down a four-year old’s face, but there’s something terribly delicious about the whole situation: Me getting what I want (dead bovine flesh, flame broiled and delicately placed atop a sesame seed bun with pickles, ketchup, and cheddar cheese, blood triumphantly dripping from my lips with every bite), and the little spoiled shit in the Spongebob shirt getting a taste of the harshness that life has to offer. Welcome to the real world, buddy! Guess what? You can’t always get what you want, no matter how much you cry. Oh, and your parents don’t love you. They just tolerate you and buy you shit to shut you up. Deal with it. Life sucks, and chances are, you’re probably going to die alone. That’s why guys are constantly trying to find a way to suck their own dick: By the way, if anyone has any tips on how to do the above, please contact me immediately. It’s for research purposes only. Anyway now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let me tell you about what’s going on this week over at Uncensored Interview. We’ve got new clips a plenty from the likes of The Hymns, Pete Miser, the aforementioned The Sharp Things, and one of our personal faves, Poison The Well, whose hatred of Bill Ward from Black Sabbath might even rival my disdain for adolescents: Another thing I like about these guys is how in touch with pop culture they are. Not that I can talk, the first time someone mentioned Tila Tequila to me, I thought it was a Mexican venereal disease, like Los Herpes: Actually, I’d like to go back on a tangent for a second. You know who I hope gets a venereal disease (besides my ex girlfriend – whoops, too late)? Anyone who chastises me for eating meat. Let me chow down on my charred dead animal in peace, please! Sure, you make some good points about why it’s morally wrong to raise, breed, and torture another living being just for slaughter, hippie animal lover, but I make a solid point about why it’s right: meat is fucking delicious. Seriously, have you had a steak lately? It’s like having an orgasm in your mouth, only the idea of spitting never once crosses your mind. It’s like God tilting your head back slightly, and just cumming in your mouth nonstop. And for some reason God’s splooge tastes like A-1. If animals weren’t put on this earth for us to devour them, then why are they so easy to kill? Over the past 1000 years, we’ve developed guns, gunpowder, crossbows, tasers, bear traps, and sight scopes to help us hunt and kill our animal friends. What have tigers or bears developed in response? Louder growling? Running in different directions? Seriously. Just because we’re smarter than animals (and come to think of it, children) doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take advantage of them. Just like you hippies takes advantage of poor, defenseless vegetables and plants. Hell, I bet you’d think twice about eating that carrot if it screamed when you ripped it out of the ground.

This is the funniest clip I’ve watched in a long time. These guys are hilarious!

We’re really excited this week, and it’s not just because we finally got our new, snuggly teddy bear Mohammed from the Build-a-Bear Workshop earlier today. We’ve got one of our favorite bands, The Gaskets, up on Uncensored Interview right now: These lads are, in a word, fucking awesome. I know that’s two words, but what are you, the grammar police? Have you ever heard a band for the very first time, and right away you think to yourself “These guys are going to be huge”? Yeah, that’s how we felt the first time we heard “The Easy Life” from The Gaskets on our Supercomputer over at UI HQ. After 3 minutes and 28 seconds of orgasmically aural bliss serenading our ears, we stood up to stretch, and our coffee mugs just crashed to the ground. We were all like “what the fuck,” but then we looked down and noticed the raging hard-ons we each were now sporting What’s even weirder is that out of the 5 people in the room, I was the only guy. And i have E.D. Ok, I may be exaggerating a bit. I don’t really have E.D. But my grandpa does. Which makes me wonder sometimes, why does my grandmother stay with that limp-dicked asshole? He must really be good at eating… you know what, I’m gonna save you from that image and just gonna give you more of the Gaskets: Now as a bonus, a very special Christmas gift to you from your friends over at Uncensored Interview. We really appreciate your patronage and your support (and your V-Sponses) so we thought we’d give you something of extreme value, and limitless importance – A Guide to the Big Happenings of the Next 100 Years. We’re going above and beyond the usual call of 12 months of predictions and giving you the exclusive scoop on the next 1200 months. How can we, a humble upstart of a website, see that far ahead into the future? Simple, my future self, let’s call him F.S. for Future Shark, bought me a time machine for Christmas. Don’t ask how this all happened, I don’t understand the whole “rip in the space-time continuum” thing, and neither does Jesus, and since this is his holiday, we shouldn’t question things that he doesn’t understand. Oh, and if Christmas isn’t your thing, don’t worry, feel free to accept this as a Chanukah gift, or a Kwanza gift, or a present for whatever odd holiday your weird religion celebrates around December:

THE UI GUIDE TO THE NEXT 100 YEARS

 

• Jesus will return to Earth, urging all of his followers to give up their earthly possessions, and preach to others to do so as well. The FBI becomes suspiscious when many of those possessions end up on Ebay the very next day, being sold under the screen name “Yahweh,” and trace the IP address back to Jesus’ secret compound in Montana. He will be arrested immediately and charged with perpetuating the largest pyramid scheme in history. The fact that the Holy Trinity is in the shape of a pyramid doesn’t help him in court, and neither does his infamous quote from John 3:11 “Now Peter and Paul, I know this sounds like a pyramid scheme, but it’s not…”
• Reinvigorated by the surprise success of Rocky Balboa, Sylvestor Stallone directs and stars in what will become his career-defining masterpiece, the tear jerking anti-terrorism arm wrestling extravanganza Over the Top 2: Forearms For Arms. The movie shatters all box office records, pulling in a ridiculous $2 trillion dollars, and kick starts a cultural shift in America that leads to the dismantling of the archaic and wholly inadequate court system. All matters of law are now decided in a much more civil and fair manner: a strap-to-strap forearm war.
• The Aids epidemic is finally abolished after the World Health Organization, in a last ditch effort to turn the tides of a losing battle, takes off the kids gloves and rolls out its’ “Just Stop Fucking Each Other in the Ass” campaign.
• Minority youth finally sell enough M+Ms to send their inner city basketball team to Sacramento, or Dallas, or wherever the fuck that tournament that they’re supposedly playing in is. Jesus signs on as coach.
• Congress finally comes to a consensus agreement on the exact intepretation of the 2nd amendment. Guns become completely illegal, but everyone gets a machete and a slingshot.
• The Amish finally get with it. Seriously.
• America elects what it believes is its first ever black president, but it turns out to just be an Italian guy with a really nice tan.
• Citing boredom, Jews cede ownership of the banks and the day-to-day operations of running the entire world over to the Illuminati.

So that, my friends, is what we have to look forward to over the next century. I’m sorry if I ruined your previously optimistic ideal of what the future holds for society, but let’s face it, we’re a loooooooooooooooong fuckin way from getting it right anytime soon, and unwarranted optimism will only get you two things right now: jack and shit. So enjoy the new year, and the next 99 to come. And remember, if you ever get fed up with how things in the world are going, file your complaint with the Illuminati. Oh yeah, and keep checking Uncensored Interview all week for more from The Gaskets, as well as all your favorite indie artists. And remember, say no to drugs. Unless they’re prescription drugs.