Good morning, Shark fanatics. Well, if you’re still reading my blog after all this time, I at least expect you’ve all graduated to that level of fan-dom. I was going to post a ranting diatribe on why America should take a page from China’s playbook (even though it’s written in weird hieroglyphics) and adopt a policy on limiting the amount of children couples can have, but inspiration struck me hard in the face this morning, and I have to just get this out while it’s still fresh in my head.

So I was walking back from Duane Reade this morning when I noticed a brand new, humongous sign proudly displayed in the window of Commerce Bank touting: “Now Offering Service With a Smile!” It made me think, well what the fuck kind of operation were they running here in the first place? Were they routinely handing customers their money and then telling them “Go Fuck Yourself”? Did they take your deposit and then kick you in the balls? Seriously, since when is being nice to the customer some sort of groundbreaking new policy that you have to brag about? I can only imagine the heads of Washington Mutual, HSBC, and Chase huddling in their corporate offices right now going “Fuck, what are we gonna do about this new Commerce Bank policy? Smiling at the customers! We don’t have an answer for it! We’ve just been smearing our customers in feces and goose feathers when they come in for a loan!”

I had to see what this was all about, so I ventured inside the bank to test out the new policy, and guess what? I didn’t get a single fucking smile. Not even a goddamn grin. Then I realized my error; the sign said SERVICE With a Smile. This policy only extends to people who actually HAVE money. They probably smelled my broke ass coming from a mile away. So I guess the old policy still applies: “Poor? No cash? Fuck you, go home!”

And so I ask you, The People, if you were to open a bank, what would your customer service policy be like? Smiles? Free checking? A firm handshake? I’ll tell you what The Shark Bank Unlimited’s policy would include: Blatant sexuality. A giant sign in the window proclaiming: “Finally, A Bank That Wants To Fuck You In A GOOD Way.” I might even hire The Pierces to do PR for me, or at the very least pay them royalties, because , truth be told, it was these two lovely ladies in this clip that inspired said policy:

Oh, and as always, a reminder to KEEP VOTING for Uncensored Interview for the SXSW People’s Choice Award 2008. We like to think of ourselves as the Barak Obama of the competition, minus the $150 million dollar bankroll.

Before you do anything, watch this clip of our man Ellis Paul talking about the first song he ever wrote:

Well versed in Ellis’ first jingle? Good. Now check out this confession from self confessed Chuck Norris and Patrick Swayze fanatic Steve Poltz:

Interesting clips, right? But what’s the connection? And why did I insist that you watch them before reading onward? Well this morning I got an email from a crazed fan with a link to this story that she found on The Smoking Gun.

First of all, well done, crazed fan. Pure comedy gold. And bonus creepy mugshot to boot! So I read the story, had a good chuckle, copied the mugshot to my desktop for future Photoshopping purposes, and then logged on to Uncensored Interview. Here’s where the stars aligned perfectly, and for the first time in my life, I started believing in a higher power: The first two clips that I happen to randomly click on and watch were the above Ellis Paul and Steve Poltz ditties, which, when combined, eerily retell The Smoking Gun story with scary accuracy.

Take Ellis’ first song:
“A small time farm boy (Dude was from a small Pennsylvania town, and could easily have access to farming equipment)
Headed off to FIGHT for FREEDOM (FOUGHT with his brother [actually stabbed is the better word] over which Democratic nominee would best lead the country to FREEDOM)

Now rewatch the Steve Poltz clip. Yeah, he just talked about having things shoved into his chest, ribcage, and stomach. What did the guy in the story do to his brother? Stabbed the motherfucker right in the stomach.

So there you have it, Uncensored Interview is not only THE repository for all things Indie, it also predicts the future!

Hey everyone.

Since this is the first of many posts exploring the meaning of the word…err…abbreviation… “indie,” I though I’d start out by telling you what “indie” means to me, a somewhat grown-up kid from Los Angeles, California. Ask someone to name a city revered for its “indie” music scene, and you’ll get answers along the lines of Brooklyn, Austin or Portland. Conventional wisdom dictates that Los Angeles is a place for movie stars and plastic models, not independent musicians. However, I can honestly say that I saw some of the best “indie” music of my life while living in that city.

I remember gasping in awe of Elliott Smith’s guitar playing genius at the Roxy, jumping up and down to Superdrag and Nada Surf at the Troubadour, and discovering Grandaddy and Earlimart for the first time at the Brown Derby. Jon Brion & Aimee Mann made Largo into what I still believe is the most interesting bar in Los Angeles, and I even got to see 70s pioneers Love and Arthur Lee play Royce Hall at UCLA.

Now if you think I’m bragging about all the concerts I’ve been to (or perhaps you’re laughing at them, depending on your particular taste), I’m not. I bring them up because they illustrate my point that “indie” music transcends location. If it can exist (and thrive) in a city like Los Angeles, it can exist anywhere. That’s why you see small labels like Saddle Creek springing up in Omaha, music websites launching from Chicago (cough…Pitchfork…cough), and tiny venues growing from every empty building in between.

In part, this is why I find blogging on Uncensored Interview so interesting. You’ve got bands here like Irving, who are from Los Angeles, alongside Neimo, who come all the way from Paris. The bands and artists on this site literally come from all over the world. They dress differently, talk differently, and play different types of music, yet they each represent one of the many incarnations of “indie.”

With that, I’ll say that I don’t believe in a singular definition of “indie,” I believe in the concept, the movement, the idea or whatever you’d like to call it. In the future, this space will serve to explore all the different forms that “indie” can take. It’s a term that generates some strong opinions, so feel free to chime in and comment as much as you want as I continue writing.

See you again next Tuesday.

Aaron

You can’t swing a dead cat nowadays without somebody uttering “Why the fuck are you swinging a dead cat?” But once you apologize and put fluffy (RIP) down, then they usually wants to talk politics. And can you blame them? 2008 is going to be a historic year for American politics. The Democratic nominee for President will either be someone who the South hates, or someone who the South REALLY hates. You rarely see a single candidate. much less two, elicit that kind of united response from such a large group of people. But all kidding aside, The Shark is very excited that change looks to be on the horizon, because, let’s face it, anything looks better than the boondoggle we have in office right now. I’d take a puppy in an oversized top hat with a bowtie for the next 9 months over G Dubs. Sure, the rest of the world would probably laugh at us at first, but how long do think they’d be able to resist THOSE CHEEKS OH MY GOD THEY’RE SO CUTE I JUST GOTTA SQUEEZE ‘EM!!

Politics can be polarizing, but we here at Uncensored Interview respect all views and opinions. Whether you’re a fan of H.C. or B.O., or even that old Republican dude who once had glass rods shoved up his peehole in ‘Nam (now that’s Hardcore!), we love ya, and we want to hear what you have to say via V-Sponse about the upcoming election. In fact, some of our artists have already started duking it out on our site over their choice for the Democratic nominee. Consider it just like the CNN debate, minus CNN, Chris Matthews, expensive set design, HD cameras, a live studio audience, and $400 haircuts. Speaking first for Senator Barack “Not Osama” Obama, we give you Falu:

And representing Senator Hillary “Legs” Clinton for the indie rock crowd, The Pierces:

So you’re probably saying to yourself “Didn’t The Shark promise us daily blogs last week? So what’s the deal? He’s been less active than Steven Hawkings this week.” Well I apologize for my broken promise (get used to it), but this has been one frantic week over at Uncensored Interview, and what, with my super secret OTHER position within the company (let’s just say I’m powerful), I’ve had about as much access to a computer as Britney Spears has to her kids. Yeah, I fucking went there.

But guess what? I’m back, and I cannot WAIT to tell you about all of the fucking ass kicking, name taking, aural-orgasm inducing indie bands and artists that I had the pleasure of catching up with this week… just not right now. Patience, kiddies; all I can say is, you’ll be VERY excited in the near future. So right now you have 2 options:
1. Build yourself a time machine ala Doc Brown in Back To The Future, head to a large parking lot, rev that baby up to 88mph, and promptly get pulled over by mall security while being laughed at and mocked by other shoppers.
OR
2. Head on over to Your Favorite Website (that’s Uncensoredinterview.com, in case you didn’t know your own preference), and enjoy what we have for you in the present – tons of opinionated, no holds barred, in-your-face clips from the best indie artists on the planet, like The Color Fred. I’ll be honest with you, I had no idea who this guy was until I saw him on our site, but I dug his style, as well as his now not-so-secret affinity for a little George Michael every so often, so I checked out his music, and now he’s one of 4 artists currently on repeat on my woefully outdated iPod.

And speaking of guilty pleasures, I would be remiss not to mention that our old friends Telenovela Star recently made another appearance on one of The Shark’s favorite daytime soap operas, As The World Turns. I’ll say one thing about Maggie and Hanna, they’re fuckin’ ready to party!

Bon Jour! I believe that means “something I don’t understand in French,” sort of like Bon Jovi (which I also don’t understand in English.) You see, there’s a valid reason that yours truly is so late with his first blog of the week, and it has nothing to do with provision 1-A of Megan’s Law this time – your pal The Shark spent the long weekend going “huh” and “whutchusay?” in non-English-speaking Montreal. Canada my fucking ass! Canadians are supposed to speak English with a silly accent, not a foreign language that sounds like you’re choking on phlegm when you say your name. Can you imagine if we had a city here in the U.S. where no one spoke English, only Spanish? (Miami) It’d be a national abomination! We wouldn’t stand for it, much less shower it with a bevy of pro-sports teams. I bet the hockey-lovin’ Canadian government (which I assume exists) was too busy watching the Leafs play the Habs to notice that one of it’s major cities had been invaded by the French and become a satellite for those dirty surrender monkeys to spread their beret-wearing, crepe-loving, dance-pop-producing, sissy wristed culture across North America. One can only hope that the next time Canadian Parliament (non-funkadelic) meets in one of their igloos or a hockey rink, they vote to saw out Montreal from the rest of the country and ship it back to France, next day air. Canada’s supposed to be the land of decriminalized marajuana, cheap strip clubs, and “artistic” porn. Speaking of which, our friends in Dirty on Purpose have an interesting take on porn as art.

Personally, if I were to period date porn as art, I’d call it the “Pre-Ejaculate Period”.Oh, and don’t forget to vote every day for Uncensored Interview to win the SXSW viewer’s choice award. Just go to http://sxsw.com/peoples_choice/, enter your super-secret passcode, and send us some love, unlike your high school prom date, who whored herself out to the tight end on the varsity football team. The Tight End! Not even the fucking quarterback! What a whore! Ok, seriously, maybe we have some unresolved issues here.

Don’t forget to vote for Uncensored Interview for the SXSW People’s Choice Award

This clip goes out to all of you who DIDN’T receive a Valentine’s card in the mail on this special, completely manufactured day where a dozen roses cost more than a barrel of oil. See, even gorgeous rock stars like The Rosebuds get ignored sometimes:

One thing that bothers me about February 14th is watching people without a Valentine cry because nobody loves them. Hey, cheer up, alright? Just think, nobody loves you the other 364 days of the year, and you seem to be alright with that. Anyway, to get you in a better mood, here’s part 3 of my Childhood Myths Corrected Series:

MYTH:

God will be angry with you if you don’t go to Church

FACT:

Maybe back in biblical times, God might have gotten a little upset if you eschewed worshiping Him a couple Sundays out of the year. Do it enough, and He might have even smited you and your family. But that was back in the day. Nowadays, He’s too busy to really care. In fact, God Himself has missed Church 12 out of the last 15 weeks because His poker game ran long and He “just wanted to fucking sleep in, ok?”