Good morning, Shark fanatics. Well, if you’re still reading my blog after all this time, I at least expect you’ve all graduated to that level of fan-dom. I was going to post a ranting diatribe on why America should take a page from China’s playbook (even though it’s written in weird hieroglyphics) and adopt a policy on limiting the amount of children couples can have, but inspiration struck me hard in the face this morning, and I have to just get this out while it’s still fresh in my head.
So I was walking back from Duane Reade this morning when I noticed a brand new, humongous sign proudly displayed in the window of Commerce Bank touting: “Now Offering Service With a Smile!” It made me think, well what the fuck kind of operation were they running here in the first place? Were they routinely handing customers their money and then telling them “Go Fuck Yourself”? Did they take your deposit and then kick you in the balls? Seriously, since when is being nice to the customer some sort of groundbreaking new policy that you have to brag about? I can only imagine the heads of Washington Mutual, HSBC, and Chase huddling in their corporate offices right now going “Fuck, what are we gonna do about this new Commerce Bank policy? Smiling at the customers! We don’t have an answer for it! We’ve just been smearing our customers in feces and goose feathers when they come in for a loan!”
I had to see what this was all about, so I ventured inside the bank to test out the new policy, and guess what? I didn’t get a single fucking smile. Not even a goddamn grin. Then I realized my error; the sign said SERVICE With a Smile. This policy only extends to people who actually HAVE money. They probably smelled my broke ass coming from a mile away. So I guess the old policy still applies: “Poor? No cash? Fuck you, go home!”
And so I ask you, The People, if you were to open a bank, what would your customer service policy be like? Smiles? Free checking? A firm handshake? I’ll tell you what The Shark Bank Unlimited’s policy would include: Blatant sexuality. A giant sign in the window proclaiming: “Finally, A Bank That Wants To Fuck You In A GOOD Way.” I might even hire The Pierces to do PR for me, or at the very least pay them royalties, because , truth be told, it was these two lovely ladies in this clip that inspired said policy:
Oh, and as always, a reminder to KEEP VOTING for Uncensored Interview for the SXSW People’s Choice Award 2008. We like to think of ourselves as the Barak Obama of the competition, minus the $150 million dollar bankroll.
TOPICS: theshark