Enter Shikari have a great idea – make Naked Van Jumping the newest Olympic sport. This is so freaky, because I seriously had this weird-ass dream last night that I was at the Winter Olympics (don’t ask me why it wasn’t the upcoming Summer games, maybe I time traveled) and there were all of these new, fucked-up events like (I kid you not):
- Guard the Stanley Cup – a group of 3 guys in singlets try to protect a bucket with the Stanley Cup inside from huge, hulking marauders.
- Downhill Ball Dodge – You run down a hill and people fire dodgeballs out of cannons at you. I didn’t stay in the dream long enough to see how you could actually win, to me it just looked like an excuse to shoot balls at people at ridiculously high speeds.
- Sneak Attack – Now this was the oddest and definitely most fucked up. For whatever reason, you were encouraged to sneak attack an opposing team whenever you could – while they were relaxing, watching TV, praying, or just fucking asleep! And you needed proof of serious injury to get points. I guess I became part of Team USA because in my dream I smacked a Japanese guy over the back with a hockey stick and gave him a welt to the cheers of the crowd.
Man, is my mind fucked up or what? Anyway, getting back to Naked Van Jumping, I think we might still have time to petition Beijing to add it to the Summer Games roster. I know that being such a conservative, tradition-based Communist country, they might at first be a little resistant to the idea of stark naked men and women being flung precariously between automobiles being driven at dangerously high speeds. Some might even go as far as calling it a “Goddamn Death Trap.” But I say you gotta live a little, and this is exactly what China needs to spice things up and make people forget about all those human rights atrocities they committed in Tibet and Darfur.
Seriously, do you think monks would be setting themselves on fire in protest if China allowed naked van jumping? Fuck no, they’d buy a couple used vans and start training immediately. If you’re going to seriously maim yourself, you might as well do it in the spirit of competition.
TOPICS: theshark