Tub Ring and How To Deal With Straight Edge Kids

The only reason I’m even posting this blog is because scientists haven’t figured out a way to throw bar stools across the internet, (that’s Web 3.0, I hear) so I’m fairly certain I’m a lot safer right now than Tub Ring was in Indiana.

You know, back in the 70′s, they had another name for Straight Edge kids – Losers. Kids and young adults who abstained from drugs and alcohol weren’t exactly the funnest to hang out with. So now because they’ve discovered heavy metal and the gym, we’re supposed to respect them as some sort of sacred social movement? Bullshit, I say. Especially when you think about just how ridiculous the whole Straight Edge movement is.

Seriously, think about it – why do kids go Straight Edge in the first place? Well, it’s probably unfair to generalize, but where on this entire blog does it say that I’m fair? I bet that most Straight Edge kids come from abusive, alcohol and drug ravaged households. It just makes sense. So they make a vow to themselves to never indulge in the Lord’s poison for the rest of their lives. Apparently though, violence is ok – you know, because it’s not the byproduct of drug or alcohol abuse or anything. So it’s perfectly fine for a Straight Edge kid to hurl a barstool toward the stage, or throw a bottle (which I can only assume was once filled with apple juice) at someone, so long as they’re sober, to ensure good aim. Double standard, meet the Straight Edge movement. Now you two play nice.

So what’s an indie kid to do when confronted by an unusually angry, sexually repressed straight edge ogre? Run might be your first instinct, but remember, this kid probably hit the gym about an hour before the show, and your tight jeans prevent long strides, so chances are, you’ll only get a few feet away before being hit in the face with an O’Doul’s. No, you need to try to disarm the brute using your indie charm. And when he’s distracted/confused, then you fight dirty. Use the following easy to follow steps to disarm even the staunchest, angriest Straight Edge assaulter:

1. Compliment him on his handsome tattoos. Ask him what the inspiration for the “Straight Edge 4 Life” across his neck was.
2. Tell him you know of an up-and-coming Straight Edge – they’re called the Shit Fisters, and for some reason, you think he’d LOVE them.
3. Douse yourself in a Heineken before he tries to headbutt you. Beer is like kryptonite to a Straight Edge kid. He won’t dare touch you now.
4. But don’t forget, he can still throw a barstool at you, so kick him in the balls the second he reaches for one. Then run like fuck.

I hope this works, I’ll be honest, I haven’t tested it out yet. But if it’s any consolation, in my head it works perfectly 90% of the time (the other 10% of the time, he had a flame thrower, in which case DO NOT douse yourself in beer).