“There is no rice at the Asian grocery store.”

When I heard that from my dad, I knew it was serious. These people are playing games!! No rice at the freakin Asian grocery store?!?! A small wave of panic swept over me – like a malnourished child in a North Korean concentration camp, I wanted to cry at the prospects of a riceless existence. To be honest, rice isn’t exactly the staple product of my diet. But this was more an atavistic reaction, an indignant cry on behalf of my peoples. Well, that was until I rushed over and threw open my pantry only to realize that I still have plenty of rice left and that the only thing I was ever really in danger of was not being able to purchase more than one ten pound bag of rice at a time from my local Costco or Sam’s Club.

Okay. So I overreacted. But this is a serious issue according to a recent abc news article , and not just to people of the Asian persuasion but on a more universal scale. Even in the indie music world, the implications could be scary!! Some worst case scenarios:

Pierce The Veil for example…

What kind of burrito can they look forward to without an abundance of rice? And more importantly, how could the absence of the burrito potentially affect their music?

And a second example…

You know what else the bay area is home to? A big ol’ bunch of Asian folks. I dare say that we should be worried about the safety of Del The Funky Homosapien when there are hoards of angry Asians who cannot get their grub on and are rioting in the streets for their rice. Musicians are not immune to becoming innocent bystanders.

And now, a classic Asian anthem. Got Rice?

Let’s face it, thanks to the internet, there’s a ton of crappy indie music out there. Thanks internet! You douchebag. That’s why Uncensored Interview exists – to cut through all the bullshit and showcase some kick-ass indie music that’s actually worth listening to. Also, to make money. But that’s secondary, really. I mean, who needs money nowadays in this flourishing economy of ours? Certainly not the guy who bikes to work not only because he can’t afford a car, but he can’t afford gas either (also because my calf muscles look absolutely JACKED when I ride).

So what am I getting at – another long diatribe about how awesome a certain part of my body is? Actually, not today. I’ll save that for Friday. Today I want to talk about our new friend Tilzy.tv. If Uncensored Interview had a big, strong, popular older brother, it would be Tilzy.tv. They do exactly what we do, only for online video, and, well… I’ll just let Josh Cohen from Tilzy tell you about it himself:

But we didn’t haul Josh into our studios just to pimp out his awesome site (he also owed us 10 bucks.) He’s part of the new UI Experts section on our site – where we let bloggers, reviewers, website owners, and noteworthy people in the biz unafraid to share their point of view rant about pretty much anything they want. Except communism, because as good as it looks on paper, it simply just fails in execution. Unlike Totalitarianism, which just plain old rocks (unless you’re not in charge, but then hey, it’s your fault for not being proactive).

Anyway I don’t even remember what my point was. Oh yeah, we got Josh Cohen to talk about… things other than Tilzy.tv. Like Beautiful Agony, a site so fucked up, it could only be a product of the French:

We’ll be checking in with Josh Cohen from Tilzy.tv every Tuesday, and we’ll have more UI Expert videos up on the site soon, so keep checking back. I’m off to go fill my bike tires with air that I steal from the gas station on my corner. Hey, every quarter counts, man!

I’m not one for writing lavishly detailed, big-word filled concert reviews, but I trudged all the way from Bay Ridge to Bowery Ballroom in Chinatown last night to catch pseudo-indie dance rockers Black Kids, and I felt compelled to tell you – they tore the fucking place up. I’ve been to tons of shows at Bowery, from Flogging Molly to Ash to friggin’ Maroon 5 (it was for work, assholes), but never have I seen a band turn the legendary rock venue into a dance club like Black Kids did last night. Even I, the whitest of impossibly immovable white boys, found himself dancing and swaying with the sea of hipsters and indie fans by the third song. What a fucking great time. Black Kids lead singer Reggie Youngblood looked like Zach De La Rocha channeling his best Robert Smith, who happened to be possessed by Justin Timberlake at times. He really got the crowd going right before the 3rd song when he declared “I have a gun, start fucking dancing.” Ok, I’m kidding about that, he didn’t actually have a loaded firearm on him (to the best of my knowledge), but he did get the crowd into it by shouting “We are Black Kids, and this is the motherfucking jam” before launching into a fiery version of “I Wanna Be Your Limousine.” The highlight of the night for me though, was “I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You.” Yes, I know it’s their single and all, and I usually hate people who come to shows to hear the hits, but I just can’t get this catchy little piece of disco candy out of my head, it’s so infectious and funky. Plus, how could I hate myself when I’m such a handsome, swashbuckling son of a bitch? I’ve tried, it’s impossible.

One thing that I did have a problem with at last night’s show, however, was the attire sported by some of the hipsters gathered there. A fucking girl in a cowboy hat and ripped v-neck! An aging 40-something in a fedora and sports jacket! Tight jeans galore! One guy in a hoodie who kept his hood up the entire fucking show like he was Little Red Riding Hood! A barely 21-year old hipster in a suit! WTF?? Doesn’t anyone know how to dress themselves anymore? You’re at a show, not a Halloween party. There’s no prize for best costume, so dress like a normal human being. I swear, from now on, whenever I go to an indie rock show, I’m dressing up like Abraham Lincoln, stovepipe hat and all. I can’t WAIT for someone to come up to me and say something about my ridiculous attire, when they themselves look just as foolish, albeit not rooted in history.

Why can’t American indie rock fans (and by fans, I mean chicks) be like Canadians, who just wear normal t-shirts to shows and occasionally douse their chests in deliciously ice cold beer on stage at a sOuth show:

Apologies up front. I’m not usually this outwardly vulgar so early on a Friday morning, but someone linked me to a video this morning, and it’s quite possibly the greatest thing I’ve seen since my first vagina. Ladies, how can you tell if your man is cheating on you? Hire a private eye to tail him, rummage through the call log on his cell phone while he’s asleep, secretly follow him when he goes to his “friend’s” house. Or you can just cut to the chase and smell his dick:

Riskay – Smell Yo Dick NSFW

No, this isn’t a joke, this is a real song (available on iTunes) by a gal named Riskay, who just happens to be a fledgling indie hip hop artist (I smell an Uncensored Interview! and maybe a dick). I’m speechless right now. I have so many questions that I want answered, but I just don’t know where to start. Does this really work? How do you even go about it? Do you start at the head and sniff your way down? Or start at the base and work your way up? What are we actually trying to get a whiff of out anyway, another woman’s vagina? Do all vaginae have distinctive smells? What if his dick smells like a another dick? Or a cantaloupe? Does that mean he’s been violating fruit? Does he get to smell your vagina afterward? What if his dick smells like his dick? Isn’t that kind of awkward, you just sitting there, nose to his dick for no reason? How does one practice dick smelling? How does one even come up with the idea in the first place? My fucking head is about to explode.

Have we really reached a point in our American culture where communication and trust are at such all time lows that we have to actually resort to cock-sniffing to maintain a monogamous relationship? I’m beginning to think this country is heading in the wrong direction. We might as well just start dusting for prints and swabbing for DNA. You could even make a show about it:

Side note: Can you imagine William Peterson dusting an erect penis for prints? It would rate up there with the M.A.S.H. finale as one of the greatest moments in television history

I was watching this clip of Wolfkin earlier this morning (yes, I sometimes wake up before 10am), and it surged a jolt of nostalgia through my caffeine-starved veins. Believe it or not, and I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but The Shark once too employed the “pity” scheme to try and pick up women. And let me tell you, it never worked. NEVER. Maybe it was because I didn’t have a handsome, suave accent like Lars. Or perhaps I’m just too handsome, smart, and modest for anyone to pity me. But from age 22 – 24, there was a better chance of Lindsay Lohan passing a sobriety test than of me getting laid. It was truly the most frustrating 2 years of my life so far (I’m hoping that having kidney stones when I’m 50 will supplant that)

So I scrapped the pity crap and started hitting the gym. But even with bulging calves and stone-chiseled biceps, women still refused to have totally romantic one night stands with me. I couldn’t understand it. Then one day while I was wallowing in my own pity (while admiring a bead of sweat that made my ripped anterior deltoid glisten), the answer suddenly came to me like a bird shitting on my head. I was going about it all wrong, trying too hard to get people to feel sorry for me, or admire me for my downright gorgeous physical qualities. No, the true key to seducing anyone was to relax, be true to myself, and as dishonest as possible with everyone else. That’s right, lie my fucking ass off. And you know something? It works all the goddamn time.

Sure, I’m a producer/editor/blogger for a very cool indie music website this morning, but tonight at the bar, I might be a commercial airline pilot. Or a doctor of internal medicine. Or the back-up guitarist for The White Stripes. Or a cage fighter. I’m only renting out this crappy Bay Ridge apartment while they install my new diamond encrusted wine cellar in my Park Slope townhouse. Hold on for one second, my cell phone is vibrating. Why, it’s Mary Kate Olsen. Not her again! Don’t worry, I’ll let it go to voicemail, I’m having such a good time talking to you, whatsyourname.

It doesn’t have to be that braggadocios or anything, but you get the point. Lying is the new having a 10 inch cock. In fact, I implore you to tell women that you have a 10 inch cock. They’ll follow you home just out of curiosity. So take it from your pal The Shark, eschew the pity party, stop hitting the gym, and don’t try to be clever. Just lie.

Look, let’s face it, man will never acquire awesome superpowers like the X-Men or Superman possess, at least not in our lifetime. And even though I’ve persistently petitioned science to quit trying to cure basically incurable diseases and instead work on altering them to give us superpowers, they just don’t seem to want to listen to a 27 year old with half a master’s degree in TV/Radio (I’ll finish someday).

So instead of sulking in superpowerless misery, knowing full well that we’ll never fly without a seat under our asses, I say we take a page from Luther of North Mississippi Allstars and start celebrating some very ordinary talents as superpowers. Like the aforementioned double-jointedness of Luther’s fingers. Or my incredible ability to blog and get paid for it while sitting in only my cereal-stained tightie whities. In fact, if you look at the world around you in the right way, you’ll see that almost everybody has some sort of superpower that you just didn’t know about. Here’s my list of best indie-rock superpowers that you never knew existed:

• Lightspeed Champion – Awesome power of lightning-fast digestion
• Steve Poltz – Can turn any traditional Church hymn into a punk/hardcore song. Also possesses the ability to piss off massive amounts of Christians in one fell swoop.
• Donna De Lory – Much like The Scarecrow from Batman Begins, possesses amazing powers of illusion and trickery. However, they only seem to work on Madonna.
• The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players – Sewing, and making me feel awkward
• Bon Jovi – Ability to suck supremely, and make it on this list even though they’re not indie.

Leah Siegel is a woman after my own heart – my thump-thumping, all a flutter, some day my prince will come heart. I’m probably way too old to have my own collection of assorted Disney dvds, but sometimes when I’m feeling a little bit cheesy and need a pick me up, I pop in my copy of Aladdin, or The Little Mermaid, or Beauty and the Beast. (and the list goes on…) But not to worry. I wasn’t about to gush on and on about princesses, love, and happy endings because we here at Uncensored Interview always enjoy a little bit of dirty talk.

Disney movies really are fun for all ages, and you can squeeze a little bit of seedy entertainment out of the right ones. Let’s play the “Find all the alleged sexual innuendo in the Disney movies” game. I sat with a bunch of friends and did this one evening in college. Here are some things to look for:

• The Little Mermaid – Pay close attention during the wedding scene on the boat. The priest has an erection in the older versions of the film.
• Aladdin – Once again, if you can find an older version of the film, it is rumored that Aladdin says something to the effect of “take off your clothes” during the balcony scene when Rajah attacks. You’ll have to turn up the volume really loud.
• The Lion King – In the original version of the film, when grown-up Simba flops down a ledge, it looks like the resulting dust that gets kicked up spells the word “SEX”.

There’s just something fascinating about the whole closet freak, lady in the streets/freak in the sheets phenomenon. Unfortunately, due to much controversy, a lot of this content may have been edited out in more recent dvd releases. If it’s any consolation though, my friends are I were relatively convinced that we found (or thought we found) the alleged dirty bits.

All jokes aside though, I can’t think of anything better than breaking out into a rousing rendition of “Part of Your World”. Leah, let me know if you ever want to do a duet.