Imagine that you’re The Cliks. Yes, I know it’s hard trying to imagine yourself as a whole band, but suspend disbelief for a few minutes, will ya? Alright, you’ve just submitted your hot, seemingly innocent new video to MTV, and they come with this:

What do you do?

1. Make the necessary changes to get some friggin’ airplay
2. Defend your art and tell them to go fuck themselves
3. Try to point out the irrationalities, as well as the racism/sexism of having different standards for different genres of music
4. Form a hip hop group

Being so vehemently against censorship, The Cliks would probably pick pick a combination of 2 & 3 – kindly explaining to the powers that be over in video(less) land how hypocritical they are, while keeping their middle fingers raised high. But I think a much more creative approach would be 4 – Form a hip hop group. If you can get away with shit like brushing your hand across another female’s back in a rap video, why not pull the carpet out from underneath them and cross genres? Hell, it worked for Jay-Z at Glastonbury over the weekend.

All The Cliks would really need to do is rent a low-rider, get some tough sounding nicknames (MC Clik, anyone?), and maybe have one or two members go to jail for a brief period of time. You know, to establish street cred. Then just ask Timbaland to remix one of your songs, and voila! You can show anything you want on MTV: Bare backs, guns, hand grenades, Bigfoot, bums brawling, people on fire falling off of tall buildings, childbirth. I once actually saw a guy on fire getting mauled by a tiger on MTV. I don’t even think it was a specific video, it was just 3 minutes of vicious tiger mauling with a random rap song underneath. You know, so they didn’t have to censor anything.

Did you ever notice how John Mayer only dates girls with J names?  Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, and, yours truly, Triumphantly, Jenny?  Oh, you didn’t know?  Yeah, I guess we kind of keep it on the downlow, JM and I.  He never blogs about me.  But do you think it’s intentionally self-aggrandizing to only date women whose name is the female form of your own?  I mean, not that anyone would call Mayer arrogant.  Oh wait, Ilana Donna does:

Whatever, Ilana, you can keep your hands off my man anyway.  I am glad John is getting so much good press lately.  I mean the NY Post has confirmed that his body is a wonderland, and let me tell you, they ain’t lying.  Why do you guys think he keeps getting in these “sham relationships?”  Duh, cuz we’re in love!  There’s seriously no other rational reason!  I dare you to think of one!  His apartment is close to Uncensored Interview HQ, and he’s buying some cameras at B&H right by my office!  What other proof do you need people?  A sex tape?

Hmmm, I mean what is a sex tape if not an “Uncensored Interview?”

Anyway, he mentioned to me this afternoon when we woke up that it’s a total thrill for him when people comment on his blog.  Maybe then we can give up this whole Jennifer Aniston charade and get married.  I mean really, Aniston? Who even buys this?

KaiserCartel are not only one of the most talented, catchy, organic pop duos on the scene right now, they also moonlight as glamorous school teachers in Brooklyn. Ok, maybe glamorous isn’t the right word to use to describe a profession so wrought with everyday challenges and hair-pulling bureaucratic frustration:

First of all, how cool would it be to have either Courtney or Benjamin as your music teacher? “Sorry kids, class tomorrow is canceled. I have to rock out at The Bowery Ballroom.

But KaiserCartel do highlight a serious issue in the above clip – the laughably fucked-up public school system that continues to plague this country. Granted, they do teach at a much more prestigious private school, but any teacher, private, public, or college, can rattle on for hours about the horrors of the school system. And what bothers me most is, none of the candidates in the upcoming election have raised so much as a stink about education. It’s always about the war, or homeland security, or the economy. Well you know what, those are all DIRECTLY TIED to education, stupid! How can we have a strong, prosperous economy without an educated workforce? And how can we ensure that we don’t get into another boondoggle of a war like Iraq if the population isn’t educated enough to learn from the mistakes of this and past administrations?

Perhaps I’m a bit biased towards the subject, as my girlfriend happens to be a teacher at a public high school, and regularly comes home frustrated and fed up with not only the kids, but the whole education machine as well. I’d rather teach dog obedience school than actual humans, the way the system is set up. And that has nothing to do with my old peanut butter trick either. Which works, by the way.

I think the best advice that we can pass on to the next generation is bad advice, so they don’t end up looking smarter than us in the end.

Admittedly, when I really like an artist, I can become a fanboy to the point of obsessiveness, scouring the net for b-sides, rarities, and demos, frequenting fan messageboards, and attending every one of their shows in the tri-state area. But even I have my limits. On the list of things that I would not do, no matter how much I liked someone’s music, I’d say Tweaking My Nipples At A Live Show is right up there with Naked Stage Diving and Giant Forehead Tattoo:

Now what I’m wondering is, was this an act of uncontrollable spontaneous emotion brought on by the power of Melissa Young’s music, or did this guy have some sort of weird nipple fetish to begin with, and he just sensed that this was the proper time to whip ‘em out and scour the radio dial, if you will? I think it really comes down to, who was he at the concert with? Because if he were there alone, BOOM, he’s a serial tweaker, and he’s struck again. But if he were there with friends, there’s no way his knob-twisting was premeditated; his friends would already be aware of his penchant for tweaking, and tell him to knock that shit off. That’s what good friends do, they keep your fingers away from your nipples.

Before Bawitdaba, Kid Rock made his money with songs like “Balls in Your Mouth.  If you follow that link, you know Kid said he wasn’t political.  I know we’re all surprised because of the topical political nature of that song.  Apparently he’s turned over a new leaf, because he’s featured in a new PSA with a principled and satirical view on music downloading called “Steal Everything.”  In it he pretends pirating is okay only to pull a switcheroo and then equate it with stealing any physical object–like a computer or car.  Sadly for him, his admittance that he is too rich to whine about pirating comes off as more convincing than the anti-pirating tirade, in my opinion.  Were any of you convinced by Kid Rock’s witty argument?

I don’t know about you, but I prefer my musicians to take a harder stance on a different kind of piracy.  You know, the rum, parrots, gold, peglegs, and scurvy kind.  Check it out–Senryu is living the real rockstar lifestyle like the cool kind of pirate.  Getting scurvy and wearing sailor shirts.

Take that, Kid Rock!  I bet any day now Senryu and Pam Anderson will be getting married.  And divorced.

The kids over at Joost have been running their mouths off lately about how superior they are at fake guitar to us (ok, maybe it was fake tennis). They think that just because they’re featuring some of our best content that we won’t fight back. Well, we’re not gonna take this sitting down (actually, that’s not true, I photoshopped that entire scroll sitting down), so we hereby challenge Joost to a Guitar Hero III Wii-rock off, to be held through the magic of the Wii Connect Network (what, you think we’re gonna get off our asses and GO somewhere to play?). Joost’s two best players versus Uncensored Interview‘s two best players. Unfortunately, I can’t play twice, and I probably won’t have that clone I ordered in time, so it’s probably going to be The Shark and our intern Matt.

So what’s at stake here? PRIDE. Plus a nifty, one-of-a-kind trophy. Mock-up of trophy here. (Actual trophy may vary from picture, and may very well look like a haphazardly modified bowling trophy). I’ll post the results (of how brutal the slaughter was) on July 23rd right here on this blog, so you can comment and pay proper homage to the champ.

I’ll let Tilly and The Wall fill your minds with thoughts of Guitar Hero love.