Can Someone Please Make A Fucking Cold Medicine That Works?

Sorry for such a late update. I was urgently needed at the Uncensored Interview headquarters to perform duties that included

1. Providing the strength of 100 men
2. Fighting off bears, alligators, and griffins
3. Attending a mandatory staff meeting

And I did all (ok, MOST, there weren’t really any alligators, that’s just ridiculous) of the duties with a still-lingering head cold that makes it feel like Kirstie Alley is subletting my cranium. The same head cold, by the way, that I complained about in Friday’s post, because I can’t see a doctor because I don’t have health insurance. Mother fucker.

So all weekend, I’ve been my own pediatrician (I still consider myself a kid at heart), taking copious and often dangerous amounts of Dayquil, Benadryl, Oxycontin, and bourbon. Hey, I never said I was a good doctor. Or a moral one. But as long as Duane Reade doesn’t question the prescriptions that I write myself, who am I to judge?

The problem is, none of the shit that I took has worked. I was a leaky faucet all Saturday night at my cousin’s wedding, and I had a terrible headache and stuffy nose Sunday morning at the Nike NYC Half Marathon (which, by the way, I crushed in 1:35:00 despite being sick and on 3 hours of rest). The finger of blame would seem to point solely to myself for being a shitty fake doctor, right? WRONG. I’m blaming the pharmaceutical industry on this one. Bunch of fuck ups can’t even conjure up a decent over-the-counter cold medicine that works. Dayquil is bullshit, let me tell you. The only reason Nyquil worked in the first place was that it contained enough alcohol to knock you the fuck out so you wouldn’t notice that your nose is still running. Dayquil takes all the fun out of abusing Nyquil, and adds frustration, when, an hour after taking the two shiny orange translucent capsules, your nose is still running like a Kenyan at a marathon. I’m almost positive that Dayquil is just expired Nyquil with added food coloring. Way to go pharmaceutical industry, letting that one slip by you. I’m really glad I’m not the only one who realizes what a scam this entire bullshit industry is perpetuating on the public. Everest had quite the mouthful to say on the subject when they sat down with us earlier this summer: