I’m sorry, but no matter how indie you are, there’s no valid reason for your CD to have a fecal aroma to it, even if it’s in Europe, where that kind of stuff is generally more accepted. I don’t know WHAT the workers at the plant where they package Mugison’s CD are doing, but I can tell you one thing, they’re doing it WRONG. I really can’t even begin to imagine the operation going on there. Are they situated right next to a turd factory? Is there no hand-washing policy after using the john? Are there haphazardly placed vats of fecal matter just lying around next to stacks of CDs? Or is this a new secret encryption technology developed by Europeans, where the disc itself in submerged in warm liquid shit to discourage illegal copying? I mean when you think about it, there really is NO EXCUSE for this, because even if ANY of the above were true, they’d still have to somehow limit hiring to only people without a sense of smell in order for this shit to get past quality control.

For me, there’s really only 3 things in the world that should smell like fresh baked feces

1. Starbucks Coffee
2. Homeless People
3. Fresh Baked Feces

I was going to include “Denny’s Bathrooms” on the list, but generally the urine smell overpowers the waft of shit from the bowl.

Dear THE WOMBATS,

You valiantly project your unbridled nipples upon my delicate eyes.  I blush and look away like a shy japanese teenager, covering my mouth and giggling to my friends as if someone just accidentally said the word “penis.”  

There’s something about men’s nipples that makes me uncomfortable.  I feel that their symmetry and shape too closely resemble the human eye.  Especially if a guy has no chest hair.  Maybe that’s why God gave men chest hair, because he knew they would be the ones walking around shirtless the most.  If I was a man with a hairy chest I would shave everything except a couple of angry little cartoon eyebrows above my nips.  Nipplebrows.  

So every time I see a shirtless man I feel like their chest is staring at me.  I feel like their nipples are saying “I know you’re looking at me, and I’m looking right back at ‘cha.  Wink.”  And they have to say “wink” because they can’t actually do it.  It makes me want to look away, but when I come back, there they are, still staring away.  If they were attached to a face I would slap them for being so impudent.  But I don’t slap them because I feel it would look strange if I just slapped someone’s ribcage.  I always have to consciously resist reaching out at the same time with both index fingers and poking those soft little pink buttons.  

It makes me really appreciate a SUPERFLUOUS NIPPLE, or TRIPLE NIPPLE.  That extra nipple just adds a little Asymmetry to the chest and makes it seem less like there’s a couple of unblinking eyes giving me the once-over. 

Best,

THEPERRYTRAIN

Last night was supposed to be the highly anticipated Guitar Hero 3 Wii-Fi showdown between Uncensored Interview and Joost. I use the phrase “supposed to be,” because it didn’t end up happening. Some may blame Joost for cowardice on their part. Others may point to something silly like a firewall issue on both ends suppressing online play on the Wii. Whatever the case, Joost didn’t make a very concerted effort to give it the old college try and fix the firewall problem on their end. And they call themselves a TECHNOLOGY COMPANY! We had our interns and one of our producers fix the problem on our end after 20 mins, but we were told that everyone at Joost had fled the office like burn victims at a barbeque. The match will have to be made up in person, it seems.

But that didn’t end our night, because we still threw a kick-ass office party with inter-office Guitar Hero match-ups, plenty of booze and pizza, and screenings of some of our favorite videos, including The Natalie Portman SNL Rap, Shoes, and of course, party-time favorite Smell Yo Dick. Greg Galant from Newsgroper even showed up to party and cheer us on, as he knows how to pick a winner:

At the end of the night, we all left the office, disappointed that we didn’t get to rock-off against Joost as we should have, but sauced and happy that our team had stuck around and partied to make the best out of what could have been a lost night.

Let this be an official proclamation that Uncensored Interview formally challenges any company (who know how to work around a simple firewall) to a Guitar Hero 3 Wii Rock-Off. Do we have any challengers?

I am a meat lover. And an indie music lover.  Must I be at odds?  I don’t think so.  I want the opposite of straight edge.

There’s a big indie movement in meat and food in general these days with the whole buying local craze.  Isn’t buying meat from farmers and not through the corporate meat power structure “indie?” What’s more indie than an old time PORK SHOP?!  A butcher making a living for his family?  You just gotta love that.

And killing your food and eating it is the independent spirit that made this country what it is, damn it.  And I don’t just say that because I attend gun events for bloggers at SxSW, the convergence of all things meat and indie music.  Okay before I start coming off like Ted Nugent, I would point out that some indie musicians won’t kick a gal outta bed for her meat eating…

Thanks Langhorne Slim!  I urge you to join STEIC today!

Shark was correct that the phrase “giving it the old college try” seems incorrect, since most people try very little in college.  Unless you are referring to drugs or experimental sex.  In which case, “Giving it the old college try” does in fact denote a total willingness to do anything at the drop of a hat (what does THAT phrase mean?).  The Hymns know what I am talking about.

Though I can’t answer “What did you do this weekend?” in a way that makes me proud, I have pwned Guitar Hero.  On Easy, yes, but pwned nonetheless.  Take that video game!

The only songs I couldn’t really get on first try were by Slayer and Dragonforce, two bands I think are otherworldly awesome (I was a teenage metalhead.  Don’t judge.), and difficult.  But I kicked “One” by Metallica’s ass on the first try.  And then I of course invited over a friend who had never played and wowed him with my awesome skillz!  Even though medium is sort of kicking my ass, I am still proud.

My question though is why do people make such a big deal about how GH is not really playing the guitar?  Does anyone think Madden football makes you a better football player?  Or Dance Dance Revolution helps your dancing skills?  Or Wii Tennis prepares you for Wiimbledon? No.  What is it about the subject of rock that makes people so touchy about it NOT being real?  It’s got Kaki King having an anxiety attack.

Maybe it has to do with the whole obsession with the music as an industry like TheShark and theperrytrain have been mentioning. Does anyone see actual connections between their GH skillz and their guitar playing?

You’d think with a name like Plants and Animals, this Montreal trio would have respect for both flora and fauna. But even lead singer Warren C. Spicer (great porn name, by the way) admits that while he tries to dodge meat as much as he can, he’s certainly not one to turn down a free flank steak, veal cutlet, or even a tasty Kangaroo Patty:

That picture, by the way, is real. I actually bought kangaroo patties at a rare game meat market in the Beacon Hill area of Boston. I don’t want to mention the store by name, however, because it was also selling lion steak, which I’m pretty certain is illegal, as well as fucking delicious, at $59.99 a pound. As you know, one of my goal’s in life is to eat my way through the entire animal kingdom, so when I wrangle up some cash from either busking, panhandling, or just good old fashioned chicanery, I plan on returning to purchase some King of The Jungle rib eye.

This whole thing ties in with what Plants and Animals were saying about cannibalism. How? Well I look at it this way – the lion meat was 60 bucks a pound because it was imported from Africa. You pretty much have to get it from there, as you don’t see too many lion roaming the Great Plains or the woods of Florida. Lion are known as predators, so it’s probably a safe bet that this lion was killed not for food, but for survival, or revenge. You have to figure, there’s a very good chance that this lion ate somebody over in Africa’s buddy, so it was hunted down and killed. They had this whole fucking lion carcasds just lying around, so they said “fuck it, let’s butcher up some steaks, get some dry ice, and ship this shit over to the U.S., top dollar.” So when you take a bite into that lion steak, you’re also probably taking in bits and pieces of human, which is probably why you’re paying so much for the meat in the first place. But you know what, I don’t care, I’ll close my eyes and suck it up just so I can enjoy my medium rare, pepper-crusted lion steak.

Which brings me to my final point today – why does the indie music scene have such a large, intensely dedicated vegan and vegetarian movement, but absolutely no organized carnivore society? You never see a bunch of tight-jeans wearing hipsters outside a Gay Blades or a Fleet Foxes show with huge “Eat Your Meat”, “Veggies Have Feelings Too”, and “Make Mine Medium Rare Please” signs. I think it’s high time someone did something about this, and that’s why right now, right here, I’m starting the official Society To Encourage Indie Carnivorism, or STEIC for short. Our mission? To combat the lies, misrepresentations, and hearsay perpetuated upon the world by the vegetarian movement. So please visit The Site, which just launched, and join the movement to save meat-eating in America.