Good news Brendan James, I hear from my legions of screaming teenage girl fans (stop breaking into my bathroom while I shower!) that New Kids On The Block have actually reunited for some ungodly reason (I hear Satan lost a bet), and actually have a new album coming out in a few weeks. And you know what that means, don’t ya? Yes, perhaps the impending apocalypse is far closer than any of us could have imagined, but also – they’re going back on tour! And we here at Uncensored Interview (by which I mean ME) are offering to buy you a ticket to one of their upcoming shows, free of charge. There’s just three catches:

1. You have to stay for the entire show
2. You have to wear one of those ridiculous NKOTB Shirts from the 80′s.
3. You have to bring your sister’s hot friends for The Shark, who will be standing right next to you, pretending not to mouth the words to Hangin’ Tough

Call me Brendan, you’ve got my number.

I really feel for Camila from Uh Huh Her. It must be the scariest feeling in the world, being on stage rocking a huge crowd that’s singing along with your every word, when all of a sudden, your bladder decides to make itself known and you have to tinkle in the worst way. What do you do? Do you try and hold it, torturing yourself through each song for the next hour? Do you raise your hand and ask to be excused for 5 minutes, assuming that the crowd would be OK with 5 less minutes of rocking tonight? Or do you pull a Fergie and piss all over yourself, in the hopes that your fans are also R. Kelly fans?

Well thanks to my ingenuity and the help of the good people at Depend undergarments, rockers no longer have to worry about what happens when the yellow river breaks on stage. Introducing Depend For Rockers:

The official undergarment of rock & roll, these badass poop and urine catchers are specifically designed with today’s artist in mind – a slim fit that won’t show through your tight jeans, double absorption protection for those Springsteen-esque 3 hour concerts, and a handy coke pocket*. Don’t let urine get in the way of your and your music. Slap on a Depend For Rockers, the only undergarment that goes all the way up to 11

Depend does not encourage the use of illegal drugs such as cocaine, heroin, or marijuana. But we certainly don’t NOT encourage them either.

Juliana Hatfield on rock goddesses: “Why aren’t there more female guitar heroes? Why aren’t there more female guitar innovators?”

Ra Ra Riot on guns: “Every six minutes someone gets shot. That’s a Marc Jacobs ad I saw in the city.”

Uh Huh Her on the music business: “I was a terrible business person…I’m more the artist than the fat, cigar-smoking CEO.”

The Morning Benders on how they met: “We were all working at Disneyland for one reason or another. We were all at Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride…It seemed like after that wasn’t there, there was no point to really stick around because it was a dead scene, you know. So we started a band.”

Brendan James on resourcefulness: “I thought, ‘Where are the pianos in New York City? I gotta find these pianos.’ And they were in ballrooms. So I would sneak in, I would dress up, I would try to be in a little bit of a disguise depending on the hotel.”

Artanker Convoy on preshow moisturizing: “I tend to powder my chafing areas and general hand lubrication for all of us. We have a vat.”

Mike Edison on climbing the corporate ladder: “We met at Gleason’s gym at midnight and I squashed the motherfucker with my heart punch. And the next day I moved into his office on the 82nd floor of the Empire State Building. I was 24 years old. And that’s how careers are built.”

Hey Ra Ra Riot, speaking of jubilant, celebratory music it has come to my ATTENTION that due to the nightly coverage of The Olympics I have heard The Star Spangled Banner in full on a daily basis for the past two weeks.  The other night when my boyfriend was in town after not seeing each other for 3 weeks we were hanging out, drinking some wine, and watching the Olympics on TV.  One thing led to another, the next thing I know Michael Phelps is being awarded yet another gold medal and ThePerryTrain is playing ‘hide the carpetshark‘ to the jubilant and celebratory melody of the American National Anthem.  There was no way to pretend that we didn’t hear it and decided to just acknowledge it.  My boyfriend claimed it was the most patriotic thing he’d ever done, but I’m not sure it’s so patriotic seeing as I’m Canadian.  

America has long had a love affair with Swedish imports – pastries, massages, hot flight attendants, those chewy red fish. Well we can add one more name to that honorable list – the lovely Lykke Li, care of Stockholm. Her record Youth Novels has been a big hit in UK for months, and as of today, it’s finally available in the States. Geez, Fed Ex International takes a while, doesn’t it? Overnight my ass!

And here’s Lykke on why she decided to call her album Youth Novels (and no, it has nothing to do with Ramona or Fudge):

Lykke’s one of the few Swedes actually making a name for herself right now – did you know that Sweden’s only won 3 friggin medals so far in the Olympics? 3!! That’s roughly 1/3rd of what Michael Phelps has won so far. And to make matters worse, all of Sweden’s medals have been silver. I think they actually give you a silver medal just for showing up too, so things ain’t looking so good for the Swedes in Beijing. Hopefully they can pick up some steam and maybe a gold in their keystone event – the 100m massage. Go Sweden!

With the exception of Lewis Black and the late, great George Carlin, I don’t think anyone expresses righteous indignation as eloquently as former High Times publisher, musician, and author Mike Edison:

If you slow down the clip and watch carefully, you can see actual steam blowing out of Mike’s ears. It’s a trick he learned while publishing High Times magazine.

Mike just released his memoir (with quite possibly the longest title this side of a Fiona Apple album) I Have Fun Everywhere I Go: Savage Tales of Pot, Porn, Punk Rock, Pro Wrestling, Talking Apes, Evil Bosses, Dirty Blues, American Heroes, and the Most Notorious Magazines in the World, and the title pretty much speaks for itself. I’ll be honest with you, I’m not into the whole pot-smoking/cocaine thing. I only abuse FDA approved prescription drugs. And sleazy magazines found their way out from under my bed into the trash once high speed internet came to my neighborhood, so I’m not too well versed on Mike’s old gigs at High Times and Screw magazines. But I once was a fanatical pro-wrestling fan (this was before I discovered sex), and the fact that Mike not only wrote for Wrestling’s Main Event magazine, but also once challenged his managing editor to a brawl for his job is pretty fucking awesome. Also astounding – he was good friends with the legendary GG Allin, and is somehow still alive with all of his limbs. All of that adds up to a shitload of street cred, if you ask me.

Efterklang got ThePerryTrain ‘a wonderin…

I used to feel like finding an indie rocker without a moustache was as unlikely as finding The Chupacabra or Bigfoot.  Yet, in the same week the most convincing evidence of the existence of two of these three unlikely creatures has been discovered.  Some cops down in Cuero, Texas turned on their dashboard cam and got footage of what appears to be a hairless wolf-pig creature, the infamous goat-sucker vampire-dog: The Chupacabra.

Also, some hunters in Georgia claim to have discovered the dead body of Bigfoot and have pictures and DNA evidence to prove it.  I’m sure it’s only a coincidence that these guys run a Bigfoot tour company, the redneck equivalent of an African Safari.

Also, on a not completely unrelated note, my Dad believes that there’s a passage in the Bible that references the existence of aliens.

Now, I’ve heard tales of seeing them in the shadowy corner of a lower east side vegan restaurant.  The story is always the same.  A blur of tight pants, shrouded with a hoodie, quietly curses UniversalMusic while reading the latest Michael Azerrad book.  “I swear I saw him!  There was no hair on his upper lip!  NO HAIR!!!  There was no ironic OR un-ironic moustache!”  But nobody ever has a cameraphone fast enough to catch this creature before they skitter out of sight leaving the observer questioning what they saw, re-living the moment over and over in their head, wondering whether to tell their friends.  “Will they believe me?  They’ll think I’m crazy.  I know what I saw.”

Well, if this evidence of Chupacabras and Sasquatches means anything its that maybe one day these quietly sarcastic creatures will emerge from hiding and show themselves to the world.  Until then it is up to us to decide whether this hairless beast truly exists.