Oh Davey, if only it were so simple! You can try to keep all the “bridge and tunnel” assholes out of the city, but what about the ones who are already in New York? Then what do you do? What do you do?
I actually think this rant speaks to a larger sociological phenomenon. Remember the old idiom “birds of a feather flock together”? (Translation: Like minded people tend to find one another). If you’re wondering what exactly I’m referring to, I’ll give you a real-world example. Take a look at the people around you in the office. Do you often find yourself a witness to ridiculous displays of self-aggrandizement and bombast by your co-workers? They’re the kind of people who are always reaffirming one another. “You’re the man!” “No, you’re the man!” or “You’re awesome!” “No, you’re awesome.” Observe carefully how they seem to feed off of one another*. And maybe they are not saying it so many words, but you know it’s always in the subtext of the conversations.
This is probably the moment you have that revelation: “Good god. This is the place where tools come to die.” Click here for an overview on tools.
Now what have we learned about tools so far? We learned that they come in all shapes and sizes, in any race or gender. But now we can delve into the fascinating world of behavioral patterns, and we can also observe how tool-dom so often flirts with the line of asshole-dom.
If any of these apply to you, you might be one of those assholes at the office:
• If you could, you would wear the letters MBA or JD like your high school letterman jacket or tattoo them on your arm like your fraternity’s Greek letters.
• You think that your graduate degree makes you better than others, and you let it be known.
• You use phrases like “hey guy” and give people the wink and the gun.
If you do any of the above because that’s just what your friends do, then you’re probably a tool, too. Ah, such a delicate distinction.
There must be studies on this type of stuff somewhere, so if anyone knows of any, I’d be incredibly happy to know that my hypothesis has been validated.
All I have to say is thank goodness we’re indie. There is nary a tool to be found in the UI offices. And though the asses out there tend to gravitate towards one another, it’s nice to know that the opposite holds true as well and that you can just as often find the clusters of dope folks out there. Thanks mom. Now I know why you were so concerned about who I was hanging out with while I was growing up.
*Other examples organisms that might feed off one another: parasites, diseases and certain animals with cannibalistic tendencies.
Hey fakidslovecake-
I have to say, this post about tools is very touching. In fact, I had to choke back the tears of joy that someone else out there feels the same way that I do about tools. Although I must admit, I didn’t really know to call them tools. I would just call them assholes or jerks but I think how you defined them is really spot on.
One tragic thing though, not only are tools weaklings and many times band together to make themselves the majority, there is rarely a bit of kindness/soul in their actions EVER unless of course they are getting something out of it.
While I’m at it, I’d like to add one other symptom I’d like to add, male tools are completely socially awkward around women in the workplace. Ok, here’s another- female tools tend to be tools because they imitate the male tools behaviors to get ahead in the work place.
In trying to understand the tool, I suppose even they subconsciously want to get themselves out of tool-dom. I do have a suspicion at one point in their lives they knew they were toolish or were treated like tools, and feel that after getting that higher education degree OR that hot job with like-minded tools, that their lives as true men and women will finally begin. But, I think the damage that tools do to all things that are cool in the world overcomes the understanding of their sad pasts. Besides, it is a bit circular isn’t it?
It’s scary that we live in a world where the like-minded weaklings are rewarded and move ahead in the world. I think we need to do what we can to call out toolish behavior. Afterall, tools follow the majority and I think their kryptonite would be to call out their stupidity to all that will listen.