Far fetched as Vivian Girls‘ claims may seem, they are actually all SCARILY TRUE. Vincent Gallo DOES run a website dedicated to basking in his own greatness and one of the items up for sale in his webstore is his very own man-taffy for your artificial inseminating pleasure. Of course, there are some restrictions that come with Gallo-In-A-Bottle – it costs a cool million dollars (sorry, no Sevigny discount this time). Oh, and no Jews, and no Blacks. Which is good, because you know that old Jewish mothers and Nigerians would just be lining up in droves for the chance to have their very own curly-haired, pompous douchebag baby.
A part of me really hopes that this guy’s kidding; but even if this is a joke, it’s not funny. Vincent Gallo is either a racist anti-semite, or a horrible comedian. Either way, he still deserves a good Vivian Girls ass kicking for trying to somehow claim that getting a blowjob on camera is art. Mr. Gallo, I know what art is – it’s what I stare at for a few minutes and pretend to like so my girlfriend will give me a blowjob later on. The two are mutually exclusive.
Plus, c’mon dude, that’s the oldest trick in the book – convincing your hot female friend to get naked in front of you “for artistic purposes.” You just took it to a whole new level. If you needed a blowjob that bad, then I guess that no one’s yet to take advantage of your escort service that you offer on your site for a mere $50,000 – a bargain for certain. I do feel for you though; I was in a similar situation when I was 19. This is hard to believe, but no one wanted to have sex with me. I was an outcast, shunned for my gorgeous good looks and ever-evolving Atlas-esque physique.
How did I solve my problem? I got a whore. I didn’t have to write an entire screenplay, or hire a crew, or even buy film. I simply went to Staten Island and found a trashy girl with no self respect (which is like finding hay in a haystack). It cost me like 12 bucks, including gas and tolls, and later on I didn’t feel the least bit empowered to create my own website spewing racist vitriol, tongue-in-cheek or not.
Oh, and Vivian Girls got my back.
TOPICS: theshark