Having survived the past week of unseasonably freezing temperatures here in New York City, two things have become blindingly apparent to me:
- Those Eskimos are tough motherfuckers. I tip my hat to those sub-zero loving Inuit bastards.
- We need to do something about global warming. And by that I mean, we need to speed it up.
Look, I don’t know how many more 24°F with a windchill of -14 °F days I can take. Right now, a worldwide temperature rise of 15 degrees sounds pretty fucking good to me. So what if we have to sacrifice a few icebergs, a couple polar bears, some penguins, a bunch of coral reef, and possibly a few non-landlocked nations? If it means I can walk around in shorts in mid-February, it’ll all be worth it.
Now I realize New York has a reputation for being cold as a penguin’s balls during winter, and you’re probably wondering why I don’t just move to a warmer climate. Fuck Mother Nature. I’ve taken enough of her shit my whole life. I’m sick of her telling me what to do–bring an umbrella, wear a coat, wear sunscreen.
It’s time I started giving the orders around here. And it’s not like we’re not already headed towards severe climate change anyway; all I have to do is make sure the world maintains the current path of self-destruction that it’s on, and in a year or so the only thing white about Christmas will be the wifebeaters my friends and I are sporting on Coney Island.
TOPICS: theshark