Recently TheShark was speaking about how he isn’t able to afford health care, and with the coming election, health care is a hot topic. Ellis Paul really gets to the heart of the issue here:

I’m Canadian and grew up with socialized health care.  After hearing yet another person complain about how they can’t afford health care I realized I have never EVER heard someone who has socialized health care wish they didn’t have it. They’ve never said “I wish I could just find some confusing forms to fill out and pay an ass load of money to someone for a service I’ll rarely use.” I have never heard someone complain about having health care and just wish they had insurance.

I mean, we Canadians know how you talk about us. We know you think we’re your dumb, younger brother with a bad case of ADD who still shits his pants once a week, just emptied an entire jar of pickles into mom’s purse and is now sitting under the coffee table wrapped in tin-foil wiping peanut butter on the dog. But if Canadians can get this health care thing figured out, why the F can’t you?

Let’s face it, the insurance companies are the parasites of the medical industry. They’re the equivalent of the major record label finding a decent band, signing them to a shit contract because they are artists and don’t know business law, forcing them to spend thousands of dollars on recording, touring and making videos which will all be recouped (deductible, anyone?) before a band makes a dime and ultimately get dropped unceremoniously when they no longer meet the standards of the label.

I realize right wing Christians think we’ve only been around this planet for 2000 years or so, but how many people have to die before we realize that we’re all going to? The human body is a disgusting organism. It produces foul odors, leaks, it’s prone to infection and disease, it produces children, ages, breaks when you drop it, falls over accidentally, runs with scissors, creates and uses weapons, becomes addicted, is sleep deprived, spills hot coffee and gets bitten by animals.

Call me a pessimist but there is NEVER going to come a day when human beings are not going to require medical attention. Get it? Health care is not an option like “Should I buy the second pair of Nikes?” It’s as essential to every human life as air, water and food. This country needs a better plan.

Let’s face it. The system is faulty. Its time has come. Do something about it. Make a change. It is your responsibility. Go register to vote.

Does anyone else find it odd that America’s Hat. Canada has its independence the same week we do?  It’s almost–I mean I am not insinuating anything here–it’s almost as if they are COPYING their big brother America.  Not too independent, are we, Canada?  That’s why we call it INDEPENDENCE DAY here and not America Day, Canada!

But enough with the Canada jokes.  In honor of new blogger theperrytrain, I thought I’d confess.

Most of us Americans deep down do want to be Canadian.  Well, no.  We want Canadian stuff, while still being the cocksure rulers of the planet.  It’s like when you go to a clean freak’s house, and you’d love for your house to be that clean, but really, you’re never going to put in the time or effort.  You still want to go to shows and get trashed and come home to your dirty hovel.  Sure, I’d like safer, cleaner streets, but I also like guns and littering.  Sure, I’d love better health care, but higher taxes make Jenny angry!  Sure, I’d like Pamela Anderson, but–oh wait we got that one.  And you can keep Celine Dion, Canada.  We already have Michael Bolton.

But really Canada, you have a lot going on.  And we kid you, because we love.  And because you’re an amazingly dorky butt of a joke.  But mostly, love.  Even rockstars like Dead Girls Ruin Everything agree though, we’d all move to Canada:

Bon Jour! I believe that means “something I don’t understand in French,” sort of like Bon Jovi (which I also don’t understand in English.) You see, there’s a valid reason that yours truly is so late with his first blog of the week, and it has nothing to do with provision 1-A of Megan’s Law this time – your pal The Shark spent the long weekend going “huh” and “whutchusay?” in non-English-speaking Montreal. Canada my fucking ass! Canadians are supposed to speak English with a silly accent, not a foreign language that sounds like you’re choking on phlegm when you say your name. Can you imagine if we had a city here in the U.S. where no one spoke English, only Spanish? (Miami) It’d be a national abomination! We wouldn’t stand for it, much less shower it with a bevy of pro-sports teams. I bet the hockey-lovin’ Canadian government (which I assume exists) was too busy watching the Leafs play the Habs to notice that one of it’s major cities had been invaded by the French and become a satellite for those dirty surrender monkeys to spread their beret-wearing, crepe-loving, dance-pop-producing, sissy wristed culture across North America. One can only hope that the next time Canadian Parliament (non-funkadelic) meets in one of their igloos or a hockey rink, they vote to saw out Montreal from the rest of the country and ship it back to France, next day air. Canada’s supposed to be the land of decriminalized marajuana, cheap strip clubs, and “artistic” porn. Speaking of which, our friends in Dirty on Purpose have an interesting take on porn as art.

Personally, if I were to period date porn as art, I’d call it the “Pre-Ejaculate Period”.Oh, and don’t forget to vote every day for Uncensored Interview to win the SXSW viewer’s choice award. Just go to http://sxsw.com/peoples_choice/, enter your super-secret passcode, and send us some love, unlike your high school prom date, who whored herself out to the tight end on the varsity football team. The Tight End! Not even the fucking quarterback! What a whore! Ok, seriously, maybe we have some unresolved issues here.