Sure, Girl In A Coma, you should close your eyes and use only your ears to properly judge good music. And after an impromptu bike jaunt from Bay Ridge to Prospect Park and back yesterday, I’m starting to think people are really taking your advice to heart. Too bad they’re fucking doing it while DRIVING.
I swear, I must have seen my life flash before my eyes at least 7 times yesterday thanks to aloof, potentially narcoleptic drivers who carelessly swerved, backed-up, and swung open their car doors without abandon as I rode on their right. It was like I had a bullseye painted on me (I do look good in red, by the way). I kept thinking to myself “Are you fucking KIDDING ME??” as cars all along Fort Hamilton Parkway (which runs through Borough Park and Little Chinatown in Brooklyn, which should tell you something) kept one-upping each other in my new imaginary award category of Most Incompetent Fucking Driving. At one point some middle aged douche on his cellphone cut in front of me, stopped short, and started BACKING UP into me. I cut around to his left, stopped by his window, and asked “Hey, did you take classes for that?” “Classes for what?” he bemusedly responded. “Driving with your head up your fucking ass” I yelled, and pedaled away.
Does the DMV seriously even screen driver’s license applicants anymore? Or do they just hand out licenses for simply showing up? I bet I can walk into the DMV sporting huge Stevie Wonder sunglasses, a cane, and a guide dog, and they’d happily hand me a license. I’d even ask if I could take the written test in braille, just in case my whole get-up didn’t drive the point home enough already. God, drivers fucking irk me. Not me, of course, because everyone knows I’m an awesome driver, but pretty much everyone else on the road I could do without.
When I got back from my death-defying park jaunt yesterday, I sat down to catch my breath and reflect on the numerous near-death experiences I encountered in the previous hour. At first I chalked it up to just having a bad day, and of course, the neighborhood I was biking through. Look, I’m not racist or anything, but let’s be honest here, there are certain ethnic groups who are not as apt or skilled behind the wheel of an automobile as others. You know what I’m talking about. But then something hit me like a wantonly swung-open car door – didn’t I do an interview with The Oaks a while back where Matt vented about how terrible drivers in Florida were?
Maybe today wasn’t an isolated incident, maybe everyday in every city in America there are pedestrians and bicyclists like me who have to deal with shithead driving as they attempt to traverse their streets. And so it dawned on me – why not unite my fellow brethren and sistren (new word I just made up, suck it grammar nazis) against these terrible road warriors by creating a new website showcasing the absolute most inane, incredibly terrible (increterrible – another new word, booyah!), jaw-droppingly bad driving across the country. I’m calling it www.AreYouKiddingMe.com, because that’s what I find myself thinking, and increasingly screaming everytime I’m nearly killed in an intersection by a douchebag on his cellphone, or by 93 year old Grandpa Joe who can’t see over the wheel, or insert random immigrant nationality who doesn’t seem to care that we drive on the right side here in America. I’m just going to set up a camera on a random street corner along Fort Hamilton Parkway in Borough Park each day and shoot away. It’ll be like bird watching, only with 2 ton flightless automobiles, tons of confusion, and lots of swear words.
One hitch so far – the domain name seems to be registered to someone else, so odds are I’ll have to try and buy it off them, or if worse comes to worse, have them killed. But I really think this could work. Anyone interested in being a regular contributor?
TOPICS: sultanpepper