I’m too lazy busy to write a full update right now, but while you’re waiting with baited breath, do your pal The Shark a favor and head on over to Hidden Track at Glide Magazine, as they’ve been gracious enough (or some would say lucky enough) to feature some of my best uncensored blogs. Every click gets us a free cookie, and we’re REALLY starving here, so help us out!

Longer update to come later, but for now, here’s a

Shark Thought of the Day

You’d probably think that “rocket scientist” is the job a homeless person would be most unqualified for. Well, you’d be wrong, it’s salesclerk at The Home Depot.

Just a quick update (don’t want to draw much attention away from our Joost Guitar Hero Rock-Off Challenge), but your favorite blogger, pal, and compatriot The Shark is featured today on 10linksaday, letting you in on the secrets of how a freelancer without health insurance manages to live such a refined, hearty life in expensive NYC. It goes without saying that it’s probably the greatest post ever on 10linksaday, so check it out and let me know what you think. Or don’t, because I already know you love it. You’re so predictable.

Happy Monday. I’m sure you feel about as energetic and enthusiastic about starting another working week off as Alison from The Kills does in this clip (hint: she’s the one passed out on the right).

Yes, these are the same The Kills that you’ve been reading about (on the cover of Nylon), hearing about (on pretty much every indie radio station and podcast) and seeing (google image search) for the past few months. This is one of the most talked about indie bands on the planet right now! That guy is dating Kate Moss! Can you fucking believe it?

I realized that this past week, I really overused the phrase “good news, bad news” for some reason. Like “good news honey: the condom didn’t break. Bad news: because I didn’t use one.” I’m really glad I caught myself because I was totally going to start this blog entry with “good news…” But now I’m self conscious, so I have to come up with a new way to break both the good and bad news to you guys. Ah, I got it! Darkside/Lightside (props to anyone who can tell me which awesome Irish indie rock band that’s playing in Brooklyn on March 17th inspired me on this one). So here we go:

DARKSIDE: Get out those Kleenex boxes, folks. Despite your support, and the various illegal fake-email addresses I created, Uncensored Interview DID NOT take home either of the two SXSW Web Awards that we were nominated for last night. I literally just stopped wailing about a minute before this update went up. My keyboard is soaked like a 17 year girl’s panties on prom night. Ok, I’m really terrible this morning. Geez. Which brings us to…
LIGHTSIDE: Despite the disappointment, I (and my co-workers as well, but they didn’t wake up at the crack of 11 to blog hard, so screw them) will be catching a company-paid flight to Austin on Wednesday morning to attend my first ever South By Southwest Festival! Ok, by “attend” I really mean “work,” and by “work” I really mean “delegate,” but whatever, it should still be a fucking good time. I might even go as far as to call it rollicking.

Wanna know the best part? You can join in on the festivities. How? Well, fuck that, we’re not paying for your flight and hotel too, but we’ll be posting up to the minute interview clips, behind the scenes content, photos, blogs, and other goodies starting Wednesday on this blog and at UncensoredInterview.com. It’s just like being there in Austin in person, minus the wanton physical advances you’d no doubt receive from our sexually repressed team.

You can’t swing a dead cat nowadays without somebody uttering “Why the fuck are you swinging a dead cat?” But once you apologize and put fluffy (RIP) down, then they usually wants to talk politics. And can you blame them? 2008 is going to be a historic year for American politics. The Democratic nominee for President will either be someone who the South hates, or someone who the South REALLY hates. You rarely see a single candidate. much less two, elicit that kind of united response from such a large group of people. But all kidding aside, The Shark is very excited that change looks to be on the horizon, because, let’s face it, anything looks better than the boondoggle we have in office right now. I’d take a puppy in an oversized top hat with a bowtie for the next 9 months over G Dubs. Sure, the rest of the world would probably laugh at us at first, but how long do think they’d be able to resist THOSE CHEEKS OH MY GOD THEY’RE SO CUTE I JUST GOTTA SQUEEZE ‘EM!!

Politics can be polarizing, but we here at Uncensored Interview respect all views and opinions. Whether you’re a fan of H.C. or B.O., or even that old Republican dude who once had glass rods shoved up his peehole in ‘Nam (now that’s Hardcore!), we love ya, and we want to hear what you have to say via V-Sponse about the upcoming election. In fact, some of our artists have already started duking it out on our site over their choice for the Democratic nominee. Consider it just like the CNN debate, minus CNN, Chris Matthews, expensive set design, HD cameras, a live studio audience, and $400 haircuts. Speaking first for Senator Barack “Not Osama” Obama, we give you Falu:

And representing Senator Hillary “Legs” Clinton for the indie rock crowd, The Pierces:

Bon Jour! I believe that means “something I don’t understand in French,” sort of like Bon Jovi (which I also don’t understand in English.) You see, there’s a valid reason that yours truly is so late with his first blog of the week, and it has nothing to do with provision 1-A of Megan’s Law this time – your pal The Shark spent the long weekend going “huh” and “whutchusay?” in non-English-speaking Montreal. Canada my fucking ass! Canadians are supposed to speak English with a silly accent, not a foreign language that sounds like you’re choking on phlegm when you say your name. Can you imagine if we had a city here in the U.S. where no one spoke English, only Spanish? (Miami) It’d be a national abomination! We wouldn’t stand for it, much less shower it with a bevy of pro-sports teams. I bet the hockey-lovin’ Canadian government (which I assume exists) was too busy watching the Leafs play the Habs to notice that one of it’s major cities had been invaded by the French and become a satellite for those dirty surrender monkeys to spread their beret-wearing, crepe-loving, dance-pop-producing, sissy wristed culture across North America. One can only hope that the next time Canadian Parliament (non-funkadelic) meets in one of their igloos or a hockey rink, they vote to saw out Montreal from the rest of the country and ship it back to France, next day air. Canada’s supposed to be the land of decriminalized marajuana, cheap strip clubs, and “artistic” porn. Speaking of which, our friends in Dirty on Purpose have an interesting take on porn as art.

Personally, if I were to period date porn as art, I’d call it the “Pre-Ejaculate Period”.Oh, and don’t forget to vote every day for Uncensored Interview to win the SXSW viewer’s choice award. Just go to http://sxsw.com/peoples_choice/, enter your super-secret passcode, and send us some love, unlike your high school prom date, who whored herself out to the tight end on the varsity football team. The Tight End! Not even the fucking quarterback! What a whore! Ok, seriously, maybe we have some unresolved issues here.

Today’s clip comes to us from the Dub Trio, whose tireless research has finally yielded what scientists have been unable to do – find a flaw with Guitar Hero.

The Dub Trio – Guitar Hero Blaspheme.

Alright, now it’s time for part 2 of my “Childhood Myths Corrected” series. Enjoy.

MYTH:

Never take candy from strangers.

FACT:

This one is really only true on a case-by-case basis. Let’s say your name is Timmy, and you’re walking home from school alone one day. A big white van pulls up to you and asks you if you’d like some candy. Now, your first instinct, thanks to the work of old mom and pop, is to say no, then run and find a police officer or an older friend. But what if the guy really just has a ton of candy lying around his van and needs to get rid of it? You can usually tell the motives of the mysterious man in the van by the quality of the candy he’s offering. Most child molesters are impatient and don’t pay great attention to detail, which means they will often just grab the cheapest bag of candy being offered at the front counter at Walgreen’s. So if he thrusts a fistful of Bit’O Honeys or candy corn at you, odds are, he see your pasty white dimpled ass as a piping hot apple pie that he wants to dig in to. Conversely, if he’s holding out a bowl filled with Snickers, Hershey’s with Almonds, and 3 Musketeers, he obviously knows his candy, and is probably just a really generous guy with a really bad itch on his inner thigh, and a penchant for snazzy trenchcoats.

Cha-cha-changes! Hey Shark-heads, its the grand puba here with some exciting news. We’re going to be doing things a bit differently here at blog.uncensoredinterview.com. No more long-ass, once a week blog posts by yours truly. No, you fuckers are now gonna get DAILY bits of wisdom from your favorite blogger, The Shark, along with my hand picked “Clip of the Day” featuring a brand new artist or band that we’ve just posted over at UncensoredInterview.com. Today’s clip is from The Rosebuds, and it’s especially personal to me, as earlier this week I discovered that I too have a Mexican doppleganger parading around Tijuana and soaking up all of my fame.

The Rosebuds – Rockstars Poop Too (Link works, video will be imbedded on this page later)

So anyway, I was scattering Borax all over a swing-set the other day when I had an epiphany – what kind of mark will I leave on the world for future generations – my kids, their kids, their kids’ kids (my kids and their kids are going to be fuck machines) and their friends? And so I looked back upon my vast body of work (if my work were an actual physical body it’d be John Basedow, by the way) and noticed a pattern – frequent and relentless calls to violence against children. This is no good, I thought to myself, I mean, how are my kids and their kids supposed to be fuck machines with black eyes and bloody noses? So I’ve decided to swallow my pride and actually do a service to all of the children in the world, and the countless generations of little whiny shits to come, by mythbusting (trademarked, by the way, don’t even think about it, Discovery Channel) some common, er… myths that parents blatantly force upon their kids to “keep them safe.” I know I have a large, dedicated following among the YOA (my acro-nickname for my pals, the Youth Of America), so if you’re reading this right now, and you’re under the age of 12 (15 in Alabama), make sure you get all of the adults out of the room before you scroll down below. Tell them there’s a fire next door, or that you just saw your sister with a big black guy buying rubber ringed balloons at the drug store. They gone yet? Good, because the knowledge you are about to ingest is powerful, uncensored, and unmitigated. Hell, I don’t even know what unmitigated means, but it’s that. And it just might make you more infinitely more powerful than your parents, just like when Megatron found the Allspark in Transformers. I’m serious, this is some heavy shit. Strap yourselves in kids.

MYTH:

Masturbating makes your palms hairy and your penis smaller.

FACT:

Countless scientific studies have yet to establish even a single detriment to giving your milk cannon a firm handshake several hundred times in a row. In fact, scientists have found nothing but positive effects to masturbating frequently, especially to pornography – softer hands, increased sports skills, an improvement in your eyesight and your aim, better luck when gambling, a boost in your social status, a bigger penis, and in a few rare cases, the ability to fly. So with the seemingly infinite benefits to masturbating established, why do your parents want to ruin all your fun? A.Because they don’t love you. B.Or they might really love you, but are just lazy and don’t feel like cleaning protein stains off the dog again.

MYTH:

Life isn’t a popularity contest.

FACT:

Life IS a popularity contest, your parents just want to make sure they’re always ahead of you in the standings. For further clarification on why, see reason A. above.

Come back tomorrow for another awesome Clip of the day, plus another installment of my Childhood Myths Debunked series.