Conceded, we are living in a vastly different time from when I grew up (the rockin’ 80′s), but I feel horribly bad for all of the kids being raised today, and it’s not just because they’re annoying as shit and their parents are a bunch of yuppie fucking morons. I feel for these kids (and not in the Catholic priest way) because their role models, the people they are supposed to look up to, are even stupider than their stupid fucking parents.

When I was a strapping wee lad, there were a bevy of strong, positive influences, both real and make believe, that taught me the important things in life –

• Be Kind To Your Neighbor – Mr. Rogers
• Knowing Is Half The Battle – G.I. Joe
• Don’t Do Drugs – The “I’m Not a Chicken, You’re A Turkey Guy
  
• Fight For What Your Believe In, and Also Shoot Thousands of Rounds of Ammo and Never Hit Anybody – The A-Team

Nowadays, there’s no G.I. Joe to teach our kids about teamwork, no A-Team to show us how to make a rocket launcher using an old heater and a head of lettuce, and no Mr. Rogers to show us the true meaning of friendship while being borderline pedophilic. Instead, kids have crap like Miley Cyrus/Hanna Montana, Pokemon, and worst of all, ugh, E-celebrities to look up to.

Josh Cohen from Tilzy.tv knows a thing or two about E-celebrities, although I don’t totally agree with him that they’re necessary in today’s society:

Interesting point there, Josh, but I would NEVER dare compare rum swilling, scimitar stabbing, booty hunting pirates with the embarrassing group of people who have somehow attained E-celebrity status today. That’s a disservice to old school kick-ass pirates, as well as anyone who still practices rape, pillage, and plundering. Ok, maybe take out the rape part, that’s probably a little too far for even me. But you get my point. If you became famous online, chances are, it was by accident, either posting an embarrassing video of yourself, or just being a major, major attention whore. No one ever becomes a pirate “by accident.” “Oh hey look, I just ACCIDENTALLY made that guy walk the plank while holding a scimitar to his kids’ throats. Cool!”

But I’m not here to talk about pirates or cyborgs or even ninjas and how kickass they all are, I’m focusing solely on E-celebrities, and more specifically, the 3 I hate the most. I’m talking about the 3 people who by hook or by crook, are now famous thanks to their antics on the internet, and who I could live my life perfectly fine without:

1. Tila Tequila – First of all, she’s not THAT hot, she’s just a fake blonde with big boobs, and that’s the major source of intrigue here. Furthermore, her acting is ATROCIOUS. Seriously, it’s like listening to Steven Segal read the instructions off the side of a blender. If God has any mercy for the human race, he’ll strike her down with lightning before the 3rd season of “A Shot At Love” begins shooting.
2. Tay Zonday – So anyone who posts an annoying song and accompanying video on Youtube instantly becomes a star?? I wouldn’t even give this kid the time of day if he asked me on the street, I’d just walk right by and pretend like I didn’t hear his frog-like voice ribbit at me for help.
3. Lonely Girl 15 – Ugh, I still don’t understand how this caught on. I’ll be honest, I don’t even know what this is supposed to be. Who the hell wants to hear a 15 year old girl talk about ANYTHING, much less a fictional 15 year old girl?? I’m a much bigger fan of the sister series “Drill Bit Boring Through My Skull 15,” where a carpenter (union, of course) uses an industrial drill to bore a 15″ drill bit through my skull. It’s basically the same premise as lonelygirl15, only with what I feel is better execution.

In honor of all the love we’ve been getting from 10 Links A Day, who were gracious enough to let us guest blog on their site this week, not to mention the awesome write up that Tilzy.tv gave us yesterday, I’ve decided to eschew my normal pessimistic outlook for one day and do an actual, honest to goodness, blog on the positive tip. Somewhere in hell, the Devil is wearing a parka right now.

Yesterday I posted a quick blog pimping our ongoing collaboration with 10 Links a Day, as well as bemoaning the fact that yours truly, The Shark, was not asked to be the inaugural guest blogger. Well, quicker than I could put on a pair of clean underwear after hitting the “publish” button (remember, I often blog immediately after waking up in yesterday’s underwear), 10 Links responded to my post with the following:

Honestly, when I complained about not being the guest blogger, I was just being a bit whiny. I wasn’t prepared to post 10 links of anything that I think you should visit. I go to like 8 websites a day, and half of them are either running or bowling related, cynically mean, or just flat out weird. You don’t want me guiding you around the web, I’d just send you links to dancing hamsters and hilariously awful David Lee Roth isolated vocals. (By the way, if you haven’t heard Running With The Devil – vocals only yet, PLEASE click that link. You’ll thank me later).

But now that I’ve been formally invited by 10 Links a Day, I can’t turn them down., they’re our new friends They’ve got me under the gun, and the pressure’s on full blast. I feel like Keanu Reeves in Speed – trying to get 30 some-odd innocent strangers off a bus while keeping it above 50mph, when all I really wanna do is bang Sandra Bullock before she goes and ruins her career by doing Miss Congeniality and Miss Congeniality 2. Except, of course, instead of a packed, speeding city bus loaded with C4, I’m on a stationary dining room chair alone in my apartment, there’s no bomb, no Dennis Hopper calling the shots, and the only thing Sandra Bullock is doing is frustrating me by not having any good nipple slips available on Mr. Skin.

It’ll take me a few more days (weeks) to cultivate my 10 Links, but right now, I want to share with you another list – My Top 5 Reasons to Love Indie, because let’s face it, if you’re reading this, you’re probably an indie rock fan, but do you really know WHY you love indie so much? Neither do I, but I’m really good at bullshitting – hey, how do you think I got this job? Qualifications? Ha! – so without further ado, here’s The Shark’s

5 Reasons to Love Indie

1. No bullshit major label censoring. Here’s a deep, dark secret that you can use against me – I worked for MTV Networks for 5 years, and dealt with tons of high profile, major label acts (yes, even Nickelback *shudder*). When we interviewed bands, we weren’t allowed to ask certain types of questions that were deemed “controversial,” even if they were laughably playful and innocent. Bands and artists were so well media trained that they painfully censored themselves to maintain their well-manicured image to the public. Ugh. You’d never hear a major label act talk about race like Del The Funky Homosapien
   
2. Indie artists, for the most part, embrace the internet. Sure, it’s not cool to illegally download anyone’s songs, but most indie artists won’t sue you for it, they’ll just kindly ask you to support them by coming out to their shows.
   
   Hell, if you still feel guilty, you can buy them a beer after the show. Which leads me to my next point…
3. Accessibility – Do me a favor, the next time you go to an indie show, hang out around the bar afterward. I’ll bet you my left nut that at least one or two band members will eventually sidle up to you and have a drink. That’s what I love about indie bands – they’re fucking down to earth. I know firsthand from interviewing them for Uncensored Interview that most indie bands are cool as shit, and love bullshitting with the fans, knocking a few back, even partying afterward. Unless you’re a 21 year old Double D groupie, you ain’t partying with Fall Out Boy after their Roseland gig, hombre.
4. The Fashion and The Fans – Sure, I knock tight jeans, Beatles hairstyles, and wildly ungroomed facial hair all the time, and unless I lose a bet where the other option is the death of my firstborn son, you’ll never see me sporting any of those in my lifetime. But at the same time it’s refreshing to go to a rock show and not be surrounded by dirty Nirvana and Pantera t-shirts, emo-rific haircuts, and 13 year old girls in black eyeliner with their parents standing awkwardly behind them. There’s something intrinsically cool about an indie rock crowd, whether they’re wearing skintight jeans and hoodies, sporting glasses and Into The Wild facial hair, or dressed like the band Stillwater from Almost Famous:
   
5. The Music – Let’s face it, major labels have been chasing the indie mystique for years, trying to create bands that look and sound somewhat indie, while keeping the music slick and polished. It hasn’t worked – you can’t recreate indie without the trials and tribulations of being indie. Indie music sounds like it does naturally, be it because of haggard equipment, old school production techniques, or just rush recording on the cheap. It can’t be faked. I’ll take a band like The Kills over The Strokes any day. This is why music is heading away from the major labels and back towards the basements, garages, and living rooms of aspiring artists and fans today – because bands like The Whigs, The Oaks, and Ungdomskulen are making great, balls-out fucking rock music that takes chances, while the majors are churning out another bland Daughtry album.

I was sitting in my friend’s backyard in Philly this holiday weekend, cold beer in hand, cigar in mouth, working on my farmer’s tan, trying to brainstorm scams ways to make money in these times of harsh national recession. The best idea I could come up with was an elaborate pet-napping “business” that I just didn’t feel cruel enough to run. Plus, pets bite, and this gorgeous tan-red skin of my just doesn’t look good with puncture wounds. Later on in the day I was showing one of my friends the site and I randomly clicked on this clip of Josh Cohen from Tilzy.tv talking about how he defines indie today:

This was a sign from above, like the burning bush, or seeing Jesus in a piece of french toast. God (through Josh) was telling me to turn Uncensored Interview from a one-stop shop for all your indie music needs into a religion!

Genius! Thank you God! And Josh! Hey, for your inspiration alone, I’m canonizing Tilzy.tv as one of the high saints of Uncensoredism. Our motto – Cheaper Than Catholicism, Saner Than Scientology, and Tastier Than Judaism. That’s right, there’s no mourning, no giving 5% of your weekly paycheck to us (we only ask for a much more manageable 3%), no space aliens flying DC-7′s into volcanos, and the best part – all the pork and shellfish you can eat. Oh, and forget about those super-early 9am Sunday masses. The morning of the Sabbath is strictly for detoxing from the drunken Saturday night you barely remember. The only blood of anything you’ll be imbibing is a Bloody Mary to shake off that killer hangover you’re sporting, champ. Mass will be held when you feel like it, probably sometime after Brunch. Oh, and we’re getting better wine. None of that holy boxed crap in our tabernacle, we’ll be serving perhaps a 2001 Pinot Noir from Napa Valley, or maybe an Australian Shiraz to go with the hot baked bread we give out at the end. No tasteless wafer for our members. And the best part – all masses will be webcast, so you don’t even have to leave your bedroom to worship. I’ll even ask Josh Cohen to write up a good review and promote our religion on Tilzy, that should help line my pockets with gold, YOUR GOLD drum up membership.

Look, isn’t it high time you started asking more from your religion other than unnecessary guilt, bland food, and the ever-looming threat of eternal damnation? Shouldn’t your religion not only fill the empty void inside you, but also your iPod with cool new music as well? Did whatever god you currently believe in really create this amazing planet for us to sit in a boring, echo-ey hall and chant the same crap over and over again while the cafe on the corner is offering unlimited Mimosas from 12 – 4? Think about it, and then give me a call (and your credit card number, just for our files). Praise be to indie!

Let’s face it, thanks to the internet, there’s a ton of crappy indie music out there. Thanks internet! You douchebag. That’s why Uncensored Interview exists – to cut through all the bullshit and showcase some kick-ass indie music that’s actually worth listening to. Also, to make money. But that’s secondary, really. I mean, who needs money nowadays in this flourishing economy of ours? Certainly not the guy who bikes to work not only because he can’t afford a car, but he can’t afford gas either (also because my calf muscles look absolutely JACKED when I ride).

So what am I getting at – another long diatribe about how awesome a certain part of my body is? Actually, not today. I’ll save that for Friday. Today I want to talk about our new friend Tilzy.tv. If Uncensored Interview had a big, strong, popular older brother, it would be Tilzy.tv. They do exactly what we do, only for online video, and, well… I’ll just let Josh Cohen from Tilzy tell you about it himself:

But we didn’t haul Josh into our studios just to pimp out his awesome site (he also owed us 10 bucks.) He’s part of the new UI Experts section on our site – where we let bloggers, reviewers, website owners, and noteworthy people in the biz unafraid to share their point of view rant about pretty much anything they want. Except communism, because as good as it looks on paper, it simply just fails in execution. Unlike Totalitarianism, which just plain old rocks (unless you’re not in charge, but then hey, it’s your fault for not being proactive).

Anyway I don’t even remember what my point was. Oh yeah, we got Josh Cohen to talk about… things other than Tilzy.tv. Like Beautiful Agony, a site so fucked up, it could only be a product of the French:

We’ll be checking in with Josh Cohen from Tilzy.tv every Tuesday, and we’ll have more UI Expert videos up on the site soon, so keep checking back. I’m off to go fill my bike tires with air that I steal from the gas station on my corner. Hey, every quarter counts, man!