We don’t like to get into politics too often here at Uncensored Interview (we prefer our artists to do the talking instead), but after watching the latest round of Republican and Democratic televised debates and cringing throughout, I feel compelled to share with our faithful readers the candidate who has cinched up my vote for the 2008 Presidential Election:

Cap’n Crunch

That’s right, I’m voting for the Cap’n. And why not? His record speaks for itself – Four decades of service in the navy, a Purple Heart for his bravery and valor in defeating the Soggies in the famed Crunchberry Wars of 88 – 92, and a solid, unwavering voting record in support of a delicious, nutritious, balanced breakfast. He’s well recognized, respected the world over, and is often on sale, 2 for $7 at participating supermarkets (void where prohibited). Plus, he’s got great fashion sense. I mean, who else could rock the blue coat with yellow buttons and anvil shaped hat look like the Cap’n? It’s classic, yet understated. Fashion, by the way, a big issue in the upcoming elections. Well, at least it is to Justin from Semi Precious Weapons:

We love this guy, by the way. He reminds us of Courtney Love, that is, if Courtney Love were a tall, flamboyant white guy, wore more eyeliner, and didn’t have her own strain of venereal disease. Oh, and also, if she didn’t murder her husband. But I digress, check out the rest of Semi Precious Weapon’s video clips, trust me, they only get weirder and a hell of a lot more awesome.

Getting back to world affairs, I had an epiphany yesterday while running the Philadelphia Marathon, right around mile 22 when I started peeing blood and seeing visions of circus midgets dressed as pre-Reconstruction era Presidents, merrily gangbanging Lindsay Lohan and exchanging high fives (they got the beard just right on Abe Lincoln, by the way): To trick our enemies, why don’t we declare war on one country, and then bomb the hell out of another instead? Catch ‘em off guard, as my grandpa would always say. Of course, he was also holding six feet of rope and a rag full of ether when he said that, but I still think it’s a good strategy no matter what. Wanna take out Iran? Tell CNN we’re declaring war on Inner Mongolia. Watch how prepared Iran will be for an attack. Then once we’ve leveled Persia and turned most of it into a parking lot, we’ll send in Agnostic Front and a bunch of their friends to turn Tehran into the next Lower East Side:

That’s right, we’ve got NYC hardcore legends Agnostic mother fucking Front for you this week. And let me tell you, they got deep with us, man. Like Ron Jeremy deep. I’m talking Roger admitting he’s got a unicorn tattooed on his arm:

Don’t forget to check back all week for new video clips from Semi Precious Weapons, Agnostic Front, Nell Bryden, Man in Gray, The Bastard Fairies, and more of your favorite indie artists. Plus, we like website hits. For every 1,000 hits, we make just enough money to feed an entire village in Somalia for a year. I’m not saying that we actually send that money over there (we don’t, we blow it all on coke and strippers), but it’s nice to imagine that we do. Oh, and to all our faithful readers, have a happy Thanksgiving, unless you’re Native American, in which case, don’t trust the white man.

If the 80′s were the decade of excess, and the 90′s the “Dot-Com” era, then I hereby declare the 00′s (pronounced “oh-oh’s”, in case you were wondering), the era of stupidity. More specifically, people doing stupid, stupid shit to themselves. Like Botox, for instance. Remember back in the day when botulism was, you know, bad for you? Well, apparently bacteria has had a change of heart over the past 20 years, because now we’re injecting it into our faces to get rid of wrinkles and help us look younger. And by “younger” I mean “creepy.” And by “creepy,” I mean THIS.

For thousands and thousands of years, mankind has sought the mythical fountain of youth, but it looks like we’re ready to settle for the septic tank of youth. There’s gotta be a safer alternative than sticking a needle full of dangerous botulism bacteria into one’s face. Like drinking the blood of a newborn baby. I bet no one’s tried that yet. And the benefits from mass baby draining (genocide is such a harsh word) are twofold: looking younger, and less crying infants on your flight home. And it would probably work, too, because it just sounds cool, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 26.7 years of existence on this planet, it’s that things that sound cool work. Like roofie-ing yourself, which is the preferred method of seduction for the guys in Bang Camaro.:

Another stupid thing that I don’t understand is this whole gastric bypass craze. I always knew fat people were lazy, but now they’re so lazy that they can’t even lose weight themselves? That’s ri-goddamn-diculous, if you ask me. That’s like me complaining that I can’t get laid, so I go and get a vagina surgically attached to the end of my penis (I’ll save you a trip to the Google – Looked into it already, it’s only available in Tijuana).

But just because people are stupid doesn’t mean that I’m above taking advantage of them. Fat people are getting their stomachs rubber-banded down to the size of a golf ball? Great, I’m going to open up a fast food restaurant that serves golf-ball sized cheeseburgers, fried chicken, and chimichangas.

It’ll be a cash cow, not only will I save money on portion size, but because I hold a monopoly on the tiny, circular foodstuffs market, I can charge whatever I want. Ca-ching! Ca-ching. And sure, my business may be deceitful and unscrupulous, but I think even Amanda Kaletsky would agree, it’s not nearly as dishonest as our own government:

Make sure you check out Uncensored Interview this week because we’ve got some really cool shit going on. Like Bang Camaro, who you Guitar Hero freaks are very familiar with, and who are absolutely fucking hilarious and insane. You’ve gotta check them out. And then watch some more random, interesting, and downright weird clips from Amanda Kaletsky, Daedelus, and Daughtry. Just kidding about that last one, we wouldn’t put that shit on our site. We love you guys too much.

–The Shark

So I have a dilemma. I was just offered a free ticket to go see Gym Class Heroes this Thursday, care of a friend of mine who’s always getting free concert hook-ups and whatnot through her job (prostitution). The problem is, Thursday is league night at the bowling alley for me. Yes, I am heterosexual enough to admit that I not only enjoy bowling, but exercise my democratic right to bowl on a set, frequent basis.

On one hand, I have the opportunity to see Gym Class Heroes, a band that I really enjoy, in concert for free. On the other hand, bowling. The greatest ‘non-sport’ sport of the post-Christ era. The only sport where beer is a piece of equipment, and each swig actually increases one’s athleticism. Not to mention, my team is locked in a fierce battle for first place against four overweight, 40-something union workers from the Local 113, and I feel like I can really tip the scales against those blue-collar socialist assholes. I’m thinking of employing a strategy similar to the one that Robbie from Looker uses to scare his opponents away

Oh, the difficult choices we must make each and every day. Shit at work, or hold it in until you get home? Laugh at the little kid wearing Heelies who just fell on his ass, or go and find a nearby adult so you can share in the laughter together? The power to fly like Superman, or the ability to spin your cock like a submarine propeller? Jared Scharff and the Royals have an easy answer to that one:

If my phallus had the ability to spin like a blender bottom, you know what the first thing I would do is? Smack Ellen DeGeneres across the face with it. Seriously, is anyone as sick of this whiny bitch as I am? Boo-hoo, I’m going to go on my nationally syndicated television show and cry because the authorities took the doggie that I gave to my hairdresser away. After, I might add, specifically telling me NOT to do just that. Are you kidding me? You’re worth millions of dollars, you’re the 3rd most powerful lesbian in Hollywood (behind Rosie O’Donnell and Leonardo DiCaprio), AND you have your own talk show, but the best recourse you can come up with is bawling out your eyes like Jake Gyllenhaal after finding out the sex scenes in Brokeback Mountain were going to be simulated?? Why not do what everyone’s dad did when we were 9 and go out and buy another dog that looks EXACTLY THE SAME. Kids are fucking dumb, they’ll never know.

Ugh, this actually makes me appreciate “celebrities” like Kim Kardashian, who keep their mouths shut and their tops open. It looks like Benzos certainly agree with me:

Well that’s all the rant I’ve got for now, but if you like what you’ve seen so far, then remember to check us out over at Uncensored Interview everyday. We’re constantly posting new, exciting, funny, interesting, and downright sexy clips that give you unique insight into the minds of your favorite indie artists. And you can even comment back and tell us (and them) if you agree with what they’re saying. It’s easy, it’s fun, and it beats trying to get your dog back on national television.

–The Shark

Being that we flaunt the term “uncensored” in our name, we’re never one to stop an artist from talking about any taboo subject, even religion. Most of the time, the closest you’ll get to religious chatter in the world of music is “Dio is god!” or “Jesus Christ, Bon Jovi sucks.” So it was refreshing to us when JD from Ghost decided to give us a peak at his spiritual center. It’s pretty candid, but not in a “Britney’s vag at a Citgo station” kind of way. Lord knows we’ve seen enough of that shit already.

GHOST: Gotta Have A Center

On another note, have you ever noticed how there’s never just one Starbucks in a neighborhood? There always has to be 3 or 4 in a 15-block radius for the operation to work. It’s almost as if each individual branch derives power from the other, sort of like the Triforces in the original Zelda game. And they always occupy the most prime locations too, like right next to the movie theater, or the gym, or the local elementary school where AA meetings are held.

It’s almost impossible to resist the heavenly aroma wafting from the slightly ajar glass jars directly underneath the famous, friendly green circle. Then you get inside and order a cup of joe and it tastes like burnt shit. Not that you’re intimately familiar with the taste of burnt shit already, (unless you live in Germany) but you imagine that this is what it tastes like.

I think that’s why Starbucks started hawking Cds, so people without a penchant for the taste of seared fecal matter would have a reason to do business with them. And I’m sorry to report this, kids, but some of your favorite artists like Sonic Youth and Wilco, who were so rabidly anti-corporate back in the day, have been unable to resist that rich, buttery aroma themselves, and have since sold out to the Starbucks corporation.

That’s why we respect bands like Beat Radio, who probably could have their CD featured in one of those artsy kiosks in the whole bean section, but refuse to let their music sell overpriced Pumpkin Lattes. Instead, they rely on good old fashioned record stores, online retailers, and of course, awesome websites like Uncensoredinterview.com to get their message out. And they won’t leave you with that burnt crap aftertaste, we promise.

BEAT RADIO: Extra Foam