You know what sucks? Pretend you’re Amy Winehouse. You’ve had a rough year–well, a rough couple of years. You’re stressed. You’re exhausted. You don’t want the paparazzi catching you wandering the streets in ballet slippers and a bra. So you head out for a nice, relaxing, three-month Caribbean vacation on the island of St. Lucia, where you think about what you’re going to do with with your estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil, who was recently freed from jail. Then you move into a new house in the outskirts of London and hunker down to plan your next move.

Well, Winehouse’s next move is now finding a great lawyer, because she’s just been charged with assault after “an alleged incident in September at the posh End Of Summer Ball in London’s Berkeley Square,” according to People. She’s been in her fair share of, um, incidents, but she’s never been charged with a crime before.

There is a bright side! Sort of. Well, let’s pretend there is. If A-Wine does go directly to jail, she might leave with some interesting penitentiary tattoos, like the one Luke Doucet drukenly received (though not behind bars) in New York one day.

Oh, silly music-lovers, you thought it wasn’t going to happen? That she was just going to quietly recede into the background, stop making albums and start going to therapy? Not so much. It’s Britney, bitch! Of course she’s back! We aren’t sure which version of her comeback this is, exactly–the world seems to have lost count, though perhaps someone will make a Wiki page for it in due time–but her Circus tour kicked off yesterday in New Orleans. One lucky People reporter has the review:

The show was all about the spectacle, with vibrant visuals, illusions, Cirque du Soleil-inspired aerialists and an army of dancers taking some of the focus – and the pressure – away from Spears. There was one major miscue, when Spears didn’t join two backup singers for a rendition of Duffy’s “I’m Scared” – apparently because the lyric sheet went missing onstage.

She needs a lyric sheet? But the boys from Love In October probably already knew that, seeing as their manager sends them text updates about the latest news from Britneyland. Isn’t it nice to have fans in unexpected places?

We naturally assume that, had an interactive Hannah Montana movie opened the same weekend as Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail, it would have positively trounced the latter at the box office. Not so for the Jonas Brothers, Disney’s token New Jersey boy-band, and their latest film.

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience opened in twice as many theaters as last year’s Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus Best of Both Worlds, but grossed a lackluster $12.7 million over the weekend. According to EW‘s Hollywood Insider, that’s “less than half of Cyrus’ bow.” BURN.

Will Kevin, Joe, and Nick be able to live with being number two? Unlikely. What if one of them gets so jealous they shave their head and attack the paparazzi with a baseball bat? (It would so be Kevin.) We suggest they kindly request their fans rally and reverse this unjust ranking before next weekend.

This shouldn’t be a problem given that, according to the Vivian Girls, the majority of their devoted listeners spend their free time begging the boys to take their virginity via YouTube videos. Good luck, boys. If you can’t beat He‘s Just Not That Into You by Wednesday, though, you might just want to reconsider your celluloid crossover potential.

Earlier this week, No Doubt announced the details of their summer tour with Paramore. Now, Gwen Stefani and the boys announced they’ll be performing on an upcoming episode of the CW’s Gossip Girl, otherwise known as The Greatest Show Of Our Time. We’ve been deprived of new episodes the past few weeks, but that will come to an end soon, and we also have this treat of an episode to look forward to. From their website:

Mark your calendars to see No Doubt perform “Stand And Deliver” (originally by Adam And The Ants) for the first time ever on Gossip Girl, May 11, 8/7c on The CW.

Does this mean we get to see Queen Blair try to skank in a bejeweled headband? Oh please, let it be.

Hopefully the ska-pop band will gain some new fans out of the kids who tune into their televised performance. Judging by how well the Pierces were received post-GG appearance, we’re willing to bet that more than a few copies of Tragic Kingdom will be dug out of storage and passed down. As it should be.

We’ve long chronicled the television career of Anderson Cooper–since his early hosting days of The Mole, in fact!–and our adoration of the Silver Fox has grown through his subtle guilty pleasure admissions. By now everyone knows he’s kind of maybe-obsessed with NeNe from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but last night, after President Obama’s first State of the Union Address, CNN contributor Roland Martin and Cooper used the 50 Cent/Kanye beef to illustrate the political process:

Martin began by comparing Kanye West to Barack Obama: “Look, what he’s doing, he’s laying down: Here are the markers in terms of my presidency…I guess, if I had to use an example, sort of when like Kanye West had his new album, and he said, I want to make it as bad as Stevie Wonder’s…He said, if it doesn’t get to that, it’s still a great album.” Cooper picks the analogy right up, and decides to go ahead and lump Curtis James Jackson III in with the entire GOP:

COOPER: In your Kanye West analogy, I guess the Republicans, then, are 50 Cent?

MARTIN: Yes, because…

COOPER: Because they lost…

And we wonder why anyone bothers to watch Keith Olbermann! Has someone sent a flagged Blackberry email to our President about Martin and Coop’s conversation yet? Because we’d simply love to hear what he thinks about this. And so would Gemma Hayes.

Fashion Week in New York bumped to a halt February 20, and as we took a look back at the eight full days of shows and presentations, regression was one of the biggest stories to emerge. Some designers attempted to work the doom-and-gloom of the recession into their clothes, whether it was utterly defying the Hemline Index or taking funereal-wear to new heights.

Others, like Marc Jacobs, chose to embrace a decade that made him feel happy about clothing and shopping again. He created a collection that referenced not only the 1980s, but evoked the joyful feelings of a New York City that hasn’t existed since then. Not so different from Uncensored Interview’s Yelle, who explained not so long ago that, with her brand of 80s electro-French-pop: “We wanted to make happy music; make happy songs.”

In contrast to fashion vet Jacobs, Erin Wasson (muse/stylist to Alexander Wang and now a designer in her own right) eschewed the runway for a party-like presentation of her line, Erin Wasson x RVCA, with models who flirted with photographers and danced with each other on a platform. Her clothes mix a California surfer aesthetic with an underlying injection of grunge. So Wasson, too, creates looks with a decade-gone-by in mind; and that sense of nostalgia isn’t lost on papercranes, who “really want it to be like it was in the 90s.” Everything’s better in retrospect, especially when your bank account is empty today.

Tonight, the White Stripes will appear on the final episode of Late Night in New York before host  Conan O’Brien takes over The Tonight Show in Los Angeles. The gig marks the minimalistic duo’s first performance since they canceled a tour in 2007. What brought them out of hiding? Well, in addition to having a really good relationship with O’Brien, it probably helped that, as he told Rolling Stone, they offered the Stripes “a cash payment…It doesn’t happen often, but occasionally in show business you get exactly what you want. It’s the inverse of the Rolling Stones song.”

We’re partial to the belief they would have come out to support Conan even without buckets of monies. (Or, well, maybe fewer buckets.) The O’Brien/White Stripes BFF adventure began in the ’90s, when the three of them first met and hung out at some obscure Detroit bowling alley. Eventually, the White Stripes were invited to play a four-night residency on Late Night in 2003, and O’Brien appeared in the Stripes’ Michael Gondry-directed video “The Denial Twist.” But O’Brien says that having them play his show has always seemed like a organic match:

“Musically they’re beyond the pale, but there’s something else they have that fits,” he explains. “They’re very creative, and they’re very committed to altered reality. Our show has always existed in sort of a little bit of an alternate universe–we have puppets and bears and wizards standing up in the audience.”

Clearly, O’Brien should invite The Silent Years to play his reincarnation on The Tonight Show. They love wizards and patronuses, and they aren’t ashamed to admit it! Don’t be jealous, Meg and Jack. You’ll still be #1.