Hey there downtrodden victim of the current financial crisis, don’t look so dour! Lots of people all across America have suddenly lost their jobs just like you and have found themselves wondering “What the fuck am I gonna do to support myself and/or my vicious $400 a day coke habit?”

The first thought that crosses your mind is to apply at the local Starbucks (the one on your corner, not the one across the street from the one on your corner) and become a part-time barista. Hey, they have health care and decent pay.

But then you think about the embarrassment of a demotion from a bean counter to an actual bean grinder, and that dreaded day when one of your friends comes in and sees you in a cute green apron and Starbucks cap. Well I’m here to tell you, taking a retail/service job to stay afloat during this scary financial crisis is totally alright, even if it means wearing a stupid hat and pretending to like people. You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do to survive.

(CONTINUE READING ABOUT CRAPPY JOBS)

In case you hadn’t heard, today is Election Day, and what better way to inspire you to get out and make a difference than having a foreigner tell you to vote? But seriously, get the fuck out of your house and vote today. I don’t care who you’re for – Obama, McCain, Ron Paul, Ralph Nader, David Cook, Walter Mondale – it doesn’t matter. You still need to go to your local polling place and pull that lever.

There’s absolutely no acceptable excuse for not using your inalienable power to choose the next President. And don’t tell me you aren’t registered or you’re an illegal immigrant or a convicted felon; with a little bit of hard work and that world-famous American ingenuity, you can get around any silly voting regulation. Just remember who works at the polls – the elderly. They can be easily fooled with a ball of yarn and a digital watch.

(CLICK HERE FOR MORE. AND THEN GO VOTE)

Some things I’ve been pondering (and now you can too) over this crazy (but hopefully fruitful) Halloween-Election Weekend.

Why is it OK for a plumber to talk politics but not a musician?

The Muslims might not realize it right now, but the official death of the music industry is at hand. How do I know this? Because Matty and Brian’s all time favorite band, Guns N’ Roses, will finally be releasing Chinese Democracy on November 23rd. This record had better be fucking good, because production started around the beginning of the Iraq War. THE FIRST IRAQ WAR! That’s over 15 goddamn years in the making! To put that into perspective, Chinese Democracy is OLDER than Miley Cyrus, file sharing, The Tampa Bay Rays, reality TV and the entire Mighty Ducks trilogy.

(READ MORE ABOUT THE MUSICAL APOCALYPSE)

One of the main reasons people give for not being more environmentally friendly is how much effort and money it takes to live greener. Sure, converting your automobile to biodiesel and installing solar panels on your dog might be a little extreme and therefore not for everyone, but it’s not actually not that hard to start living a more eco-friendly life. In fact, I realized the other day that I live one of the greenest lives out of anyone I know, and it’s all because of one special trait that I proudly carry: LAZINESS.

For decades, eco-enthusiasts have made valiant efforts to show ordinary people that by exerting just a little more energy, they can help save the planet. Sounds easy enough, right? Then why are people, for the most part, still refusing to heed the call to help ensure a better future? Four simple words, folks: People Are Fucking Lazy.

(READ MORE IT AIN’T EASY BEING GREEN)

I have a Shark boner for KaiserCartel and am slightly jealous that they weren’t my middle-school music teachers. Seriously, how cool is it that they not only make great music, but they teach it to kids as well? I had the chance to meet Courtney and Benjamin at SXSW this year and promised them I’d come check out one of their shows.

Well, tonight at 9pm, KaiserCartel–sans Ivan the Duck sadly–will be bringing their unique live stylings (trust me, their finale is worth the price of admission) to Rehab on Ave B as part of CMJ 2008. I’m so there, single-malt whiskey neat tucked under my fin, head slowly bobbing back and forth, Uncensored Interview party invites haphazardly falling out of my jacket pocket. My only question is–who’s coming with me?

Oh, and if you haven’t purchased a copy of KaiserCartel’s amazing new record March Forth, then as Sarah Palin would say, you’re not a patriotic American and probably pal around with terrorists. OK, maybe that’s taking it a little too far, but you’re definitely not a maverick in my book.

Gotta keep this short as I’m running around like a chicken sans head thanks to CMJ Marathon madness:

The infamous slogan of Bill Clinton’s successful 1992 presidential campaign was “It’s the economy, stupid.” Well, I’d like to amend that to “It’s the exposure, stupid” to apply to CMJ week. Every year you hear one of these out-of-touch, elitist music critics bemoan the fact that a certain much-hyped band didn’t get an expected post-CMJ record boost, and therefore, failed to capitalize on the festival. While this brand of hazy logic may have flown in the pre-Interet era, it’s completely laughable today for two major reasons:

1. CMJ was never about record sales in the first place
2. Record sales, for the most part, don’t mean shit anymore

In this age of digital albums, rampant illegal downloading and consensus-accepted commercialism, having a gold or platinum record doesn’t mean nearly what it used to. First of all, what indie band not named The Hold Steady even has the capacity in both exposure and distribution to sell that many records? And even if a band can move half a million units, do you think they actually make any money from it?

(So, what’s the Gold Standard nowadays?)